Now ladies please remember to sing along!

I Will Survive

At first I was afraid, I was petrified, When you said you had 10 inches -
Lord, I almost died.

But I'd spent oh so many years just waiting for a man that long, That I
grew strong, and I knew that I could take you on. . .

But there you are, another lie, I was ready for a big mac and you've
brought me a French fry. I should have known that it was bullshit, just a
sad pathetic dream;

Should have known there was no anaconda lurking in those jeans.

Go on now go, walk out the door, Don't you promise me 10 inches then turn
up with only 4. Weren't you a prat to think I wouldn't catch you out.
Don't you know we're only joking when we say size doesn't count?

(Chorus)

I will survive, I will survive,
'Cos as long as I have batteries,
My sex life is gonna thrive.
I will always have good sex
With a handful of latex,
I will survive, I will survive. . .hey . hey

It took all my self control not to laugh out loud,
When I saw your little willy standing tall and proud.
But to hell with all your ego and to hell with all your needs,
Now I'm saving all my lovin' for a cordless multi-speed.
Go on now go, just make a dash,
Last time I saw a prick that small was watching Johnson run for hash.
I should have asked for confirmation; should have asked for referees,
Then I wouldn't have you waving that wee dinky thing at me.

Go on now go, just hit the track,
Don't you bring me home no tiddlers 'cos I'll always throw them back.
The only thing that I could do with a prick as small as yours,
Is to stick it with a toothpick to dip in tomato sauce.

(Chorus)

Go on now go, get out of my sight,
I'm going back to my appliance 'cos I know its length is right.
And if I ever see your tiny willy at my door,
You'll be counting up your inches as you pick them off the floor.

Go on now - Go!

Thought this was a cute little story to start an fucking early Monday morning. Heard it on the CBC and then this is from iol

Rome - A retired Italian teacher has found a new home after offering after-school help for a family with children in exchange for some human warmth and affection, a newspaper reported in Rome on Thursday.

Eighty-year-old Giorgio Angelozzi, a former teacher of Latin and Greek who was widowed in 1992, had taken out an advert offering to play the "grandpa au pair", as well as contribute €500 per month to the family budget, the Corriere della Sera reported.

The lucky couple, Elio and Marlena Riva from Bergamo in northern Italy, were among hundreds of people who responded to the advert.

Their two children Mateush, 18, and Dagmara, 16, made the first contact with their new grandpa, tracking down his telephone number on the Internet and sending him a family snapshot.

Angelozzi told the paper he was delighted to have found a family with children of high-school age, and was looking forward to "talking about Kant and Montesquieu" with young people again.

In the advert, he had explained that he was not short of money - thanks to a pension of €1 480 per month - but had lost his wife suddenly and found the loneliness unbearable after a lifetime in the classroom. - Sapa-AFP

Amazingly, after a day of not inhaling paint fumes and having just taken a little nap (read: 2 hours of deep snoring bliss) I'm feeling much better. Here's a little British humour to take the edge off the weekend - from comedians and the Edinburgh Fringe fest. Thanks Cherub.

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?

Adam Bloom at the Pleasance

My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a twat.

Susan Murray at the Underbelly

Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on its hind legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that
they're enjoying it as well.

Scott Capurro at the Pleasance

My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.

Jimmy Carr at the ICC

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms

I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got one!"

Norman Lovett at The Stand

I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week and I saw this sign: "This door is alarmed." I said to myself: "How do you think I feel?"

Arnold Brown at The Stand

My mom's mom has been sick for two years, I have two friends whose mothers died when they were quite young, I have a new friend whose mother died and which has left him basically without family, another friend who just took his 16 year-old niece into his household because her mother died. I have come to the conclusion that moms should not die. Or, at least, good moms should not die. Can't we do something about this? Screw coming up with new ways to bomb the shit out of people, let's see what we can do to keep the cool moms with us for as long as possible shall we?

Hopefully I'll have something deeper to say this weekend. Feeling a little less fuzzy today and should be out of the office and in the sun writing papers by 1:00pm. Yeah no paint fumes!

Oh, and a new link I might be putting up this weekend www.girlsarepretty.com. For some reason, my blogger create post bit only gets done with errors, so I can't put a pretty link the blog content right now, but go check it out.

Blogger is very inconsistant I am finding. Everytime I click on my website, there's something different about it, even though I am not making any changes. Curious.

Yesterday was the worst day in humanity. While trying not to blame anyone in particular, many things went wrong and I did not spend nearly enough time working on my school work. I have to remind myself constantly that the school stuff is really the most important and everything else can really go to hell. Perhaps should stop hanging out in the office quite so much. When you're there, you work, it's the way it is.

But perhaps should also stop with the msn chatting in the mornings. Much as I am enjoying it, it's not the most productive time spent.

Am trying to sort my self out today but as you can see from this blog, I'm still a little fuzzy. It might also have something to do with the fact that the air in the office comes from the paint shop upstairs so I've been inhaling paint thinner all day for the last 3 months. I think it's starting to have serious effects on my brain.

The Values Divide. This is what people are calling the big problem in the US election right now. For the last few weeks, because of the upcoming election and the earlier republican meeting, the CBC has been doing interviews with US voters. Now, I take these all with a grain of salt as the CBC is left-wing media and therefore usually slants right-wing politics to look a little hill-billy. However, it's looking like the Bush supporters are starting to win out and it's not because of Iraq or the economy, but because he represents an "absolute truth" values system. The people voting for Bush are those who believe abortion is wrong, homosexuality is wrong and that these and other value judgements are absolute truths. Then there is the rest of the US, who doesn't believe this.

There was a poet in Kansas who was being a touch melodramatic in saying she thought a another civil war was on its way. The people who can't stand Bush really can't stand him and can't live with these absolute truths. The Republican voters, well when you believe something is an absolute truth then it makes it a little difficult to live in a country without them. The thing is, I don't know that this particular hypothetical American civil war would end with victory on the left (unless we communist Canadians went down to kick some ass :). That was a scary thought to wake up with, let me tell you.

The whole thing made me realize how truly not good "absolute truths" are when governing a country. I have my own Truths, things I consider to be true for me, but to try and declare that these are Truths for everyone - hell, even to say that these Truths won't change for me - is impossible. Even if someone was saying "abortion is right all the time" that just wouldn't do for a country. Is it possible, that even though I've been begging for a politician with cojones, that these hanging glands come with an absolute truth values system? I hope not as I think that it's way more courageous to be flexible than to be rigid, however I think many have been looking for stronger leaders and Bush-like politicians give the appearance of strength because they don't waver in their opinions/decisions. I am scared that those politicians who are flexible still haven't found a way to spin "tolerance" in way that comes across as strong. They just seem more wishy-washy, less decisive. We need way better PR people for these politicians.

Anyway, it's early and as usual I have expressed myself poorly. If you want to hear more about the Values Divide, it'll be on the CBC One at 6:00pm tonight.

Okay was attempting to fuck around with blogger today and have discovered that it is not friendly about changing colours. It was basically refusing to republish. Not a happy camper, not that I don't like the green. But I'll try again later when patience is at better levels.

I went to see Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow with Gandalf the Brown. I really liked the way it was shot, who knew that the "all-natural" girl would enjoy an entirely CG film, but I did. It was beautifully shot and the movie itself wasn't bad either. A good homage to futuristic 1950's movies. We then went to a reasonably boring party, though there was a guy with an accent there (really should get over the accent-whoredom, but I don't really want to :)

Saturday was 3 hours of belly dancing followed by the loveliest dinner I've had in ages. It was a thank-you dinner from the star of the Fringe show I helped out with and good god people, I recommend helping her out as soon as you can because the thank-you dinners are to die for! I'm looking forward to the left overs she packed for me.

Today I should probably work. And there's a growing pile of recycling, that though I keep wishing it to go away, just isn't doing so. It's starting to take over the apartment, small cans etc will fall off the top of the pile, creating little avalanches that bury the poor cat until I run and pluck her out of danger. Soon the pile will be big enough to cover me...hmmm that might spice up life around the apartment - add a little danger to my sedate life...perhaps I'll just leave the pile and see what happens.

I'm sighing. Can you hear me sighing? The LOTR Return of the King special edition DVD will not be coming out until December.

In order to console those mourners around me, here's a little Terry Pratchett to keep you all amused. These are all from Feet of Clay, which has a character named Cheery Littlebottom :)

"There's no men and women in the Watch, just a bunch of lads. You'll soon learn the language. Basically it's how much beer you supped last night, how strong the curry was you had afterwards, and where you were sick. Just think egotesticle. You'll soon get the hang of it." (italics are my own)

"And for the most part, [dwarves] were unconcerned about matters of height. There's a dwarfish saying: 'All trees are felled at ground-level' - although this is said to be an excessively bowlderized translation for a saw which more literally means 'When his hands are higher than your head, his groin is level with your teeth.'

Colon fell back. 'We're lyin' in the gutter, Nobby,' he moaned. 'Ooo.'

'We're all lying in the gutter, Fred. But some of us are lookin' at the stars...'

Oh good god, I had some bland crap to blog about today but I just heard that 13 states in the US have passed legislation that allows pharmacists to refuse to fill prescriptions for birth control pills for "moral" reasons.

WHAT??!!!!!

Yes, I know the wars and the vast amounts being spent on military "attacks on terrorism" is a much larger issue in the US right now, but this is just getting ridiculous.

Oh and of course CANADA ROCKS! in both hockey and birth control we are leagues ahead of our southern counterparts.

Well after a minor breakdown today, I feel like life is perhaps slightly more under control. It would appear that I have taken on a bit too much work and the answer, believe it or not, is to just lessen the workload. How many frikkin' meet&greet thingies does a girl really have to attend?

I went to the Youth Understanding Youth (YUY) Open House tonight and will be starting up the process to volunteer to be a facilitator there. I know I said I was going to do this in January, but life got weird. Yet, I still kept getting little reminders in my life that I should be doing this and so I finally got off my ass. It seems like such a great space and support just fills the air you breathe.

And yes, I know this is only adding more to my plate, but it's adding a good thing and not a stressy work-related thing. Too many work-related stresses this week, which were combined with not having time to eat well, which in turn caused the ol' ticker problem to flare up and just resulted in my having a little screaming fit at the poor cat. I have realized that perhaps one of the perks no one likes to talk about in having a partner in life is that there is someone to snap at and release small amounts of tension. As I don't want to traumatize the cat, perhaps I should take to snapping at my stuffed animals: you just sit around all day and do nothing while I work all day! look at you, when was the last time you even bathed? don't you give me that beady-eyed look mister!

Well, I've missed two birthdays in my absence so
HAPPY BIRTHDAY HIGHNESS AND ASYLUS!

How was my weekend? Well now and again I ask myself "why don't I ever get raucously drunk anymore?" and then I go back to small town BC and answer that question. I wasn't actually planning on getting pissed, it just happened. I do apologize to Chad and Carrie for getting drunk on their special day, I did manage to remain sober for the beautiful wedding ceremony (Carrie had the best wedding dress ever!) and the very cool Tiko drumming performance, Chad's last chance to perform with the Kung Fu demo team he had trained, and the fabulous Chinese Lion Dance that ended the ceremony. I won't have pictures up till next month because I have no funds to develope pics, but it was lovely. I wish them both the best of luck in Van and in their lives together!

Thankfully, I used up the film on the nice stuff. If there were pics of the drunkenness, the snapshots would have included pics of me kissing boys I shouldn't (not the groom, thank god) and me listening to all of Kim's exes telling me they wanted her back (really very amusing for me, not so much for her:), me exchanging flashes of boobs for flashes of winkies, and then me being basically carried to the car by Kim's current lovely boy and then carrying on loudly for about 10 minutes before passing out on the ride home. Big Red, I thank you. Oh, and the boy I exchanged flashes with, who was a complete stranger before that evening, just happened to be in the seat next to me on the flight home two days later. A very nice moment of recognition occured "Boob girl!" "Cock boy!"

Okay, I was going to try and save this for the next blog but it's just making me giggle too much. I have a lovely Pakistani co-worker who brightens the office for everyone. He is also a massive fan of the LOTR movies and the other day pulls this quote out from The Two Towers when Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimly find Gandalf alive and tell him his name.

"Gandalf? Yes...Gandalf. That was what they used to call me...
Gandalf the Grey. I am Gandalf the Brown"

Fantasy and racial slurs, always the perfect combo for me :) It has been killing me for about 24 hours now. Guess you had to be there.

I'll try and be deeper and less offensive in the next blog.

I've mentioned to several people that the Scots deep fry everything, and I mean everything. This is why I feel at home with them. But just in case you doubted me:


Nouvelle cuisine


Would you like last rites with that?
There's a new delicacy on the fast food market, and, like caviar and oysters,
it's an acquired taste. The question is how long you will live after you have
acquired it. Weighing in at 1,000 calories for a double portion with chips, the
stonner is a deep-fried sausage wrapped in donner meat and garnished with a
secret, spicy sauce. It made its appearance a month ago, in Glasgow, and has
been roundly denounced by health experts ever since.

So, in the spirit of selfless enquiry, I nobble a companion and seek out Ruby's
Fish Bar in Old Dumbarton Road. Undeterred by the warning notice - "We can only
supply one Stonner per customer per week" - we place our order.

Despite the adverse publicity - or because of it - business is booming, says
former taxi driver Campbell McArthur: "I'd be worried if somebody walked out of
here, took a bite and dropped dead. But what are the chances of that happening?"

He and owner Sati Sangag are not short of ideas: "We're going to build a stonner
corner, where customers can learn about them," says Campbell. "And we're trying
to persuade the open-top buses to include us on their tour. 'That's the art
gallery. There's the Kelvin Hall. This is Ruby's Fish Bar.' "

Soon the meals are ready - too soon. My companion and I find a park bench, lift
the lids on our polystyrene packs and examine the contents.

"I've just remembered I'm a vegetarian," Sarah says.

"No you're not. Eat."

She lifts her stonner by one end and pops half an inch into her mouth. "Aaargh!"
she cries, clutching her chest and toppling sideways.

"Get up. You're not funny," I tell her, and try a bite of mine.

It yields a strange mix of sensations - crunchy, juicy, fibrous, yielding - the
sweet, spicy sauce lightening and enhancing the savoury notes of the meats.
Sarah decides the batter is excessive and peels it off like a banana skin. The
stripped stonner looks exposed and vulnerable.

As we munch contentedly in the sunshine, a group of girls from the local school
pass by, tucking into Ruby's deep-fried delights. Haven't they learned in class
that fast food damages their health? Don't they know the benefits of fruit and
salad?

"Salad?" replies a slim blonde. "Now that is nasty."
Douglas Blane

I went on a date yesterday night. It wasn't so bad. In fact, it was pretty good. Very cute. I'm quite proud that I didn't do something stupid like break down screaming "you're not pickle, you're not pickle."

Not that I was really afraid I would do this, but you never know. I'm a volatile single girl again heh!heh!

I believe he's going to take me to the Italian market next weekend. Going on dates with another chef and notice how I'm not complaining :)