I've mentioned to several people that the Scots deep fry everything, and I mean everything. This is why I feel at home with them. But just in case you doubted me:


Nouvelle cuisine


Would you like last rites with that?
There's a new delicacy on the fast food market, and, like caviar and oysters,
it's an acquired taste. The question is how long you will live after you have
acquired it. Weighing in at 1,000 calories for a double portion with chips, the
stonner is a deep-fried sausage wrapped in donner meat and garnished with a
secret, spicy sauce. It made its appearance a month ago, in Glasgow, and has
been roundly denounced by health experts ever since.

So, in the spirit of selfless enquiry, I nobble a companion and seek out Ruby's
Fish Bar in Old Dumbarton Road. Undeterred by the warning notice - "We can only
supply one Stonner per customer per week" - we place our order.

Despite the adverse publicity - or because of it - business is booming, says
former taxi driver Campbell McArthur: "I'd be worried if somebody walked out of
here, took a bite and dropped dead. But what are the chances of that happening?"

He and owner Sati Sangag are not short of ideas: "We're going to build a stonner
corner, where customers can learn about them," says Campbell. "And we're trying
to persuade the open-top buses to include us on their tour. 'That's the art
gallery. There's the Kelvin Hall. This is Ruby's Fish Bar.' "

Soon the meals are ready - too soon. My companion and I find a park bench, lift
the lids on our polystyrene packs and examine the contents.

"I've just remembered I'm a vegetarian," Sarah says.

"No you're not. Eat."

She lifts her stonner by one end and pops half an inch into her mouth. "Aaargh!"
she cries, clutching her chest and toppling sideways.

"Get up. You're not funny," I tell her, and try a bite of mine.

It yields a strange mix of sensations - crunchy, juicy, fibrous, yielding - the
sweet, spicy sauce lightening and enhancing the savoury notes of the meats.
Sarah decides the batter is excessive and peels it off like a banana skin. The
stripped stonner looks exposed and vulnerable.

As we munch contentedly in the sunshine, a group of girls from the local school
pass by, tucking into Ruby's deep-fried delights. Haven't they learned in class
that fast food damages their health? Don't they know the benefits of fruit and
salad?

"Salad?" replies a slim blonde. "Now that is nasty."
Douglas Blane