Well for those of you waiting impatiently for news of the bi group, you'll be sadly disappointed. I didn't go. I mixed up the times and realized that by the time Edmonton Transit got me there I would be about an hour late. But the thing is, I think I did that on purpose.

I was a tiny bit scared to go. Not just because I had no idea who would be there, but because I realized while looking at their website that this is a "support group" and I don't really know what that means. Like, all I have in my head are all those support groups that Edward Norton went to in Fight Club and I know that's probably not what this one will be like but... well if not that, then what? I just wanted to go somewhere where people would sit around and talk, not sit around in a circle and talk. Anyway, my reason was dumb because my reason was fear. Having just discussed with a pal how dumb it is to use fear as an excuse not to do something, I feel bashful. I know that my head just needs a little more time to get around this and I'll go next month, you just wait and see (they only meet once a month)

It's weird because I rarely let fear control me. Laziness yes, but not fear. And it sucks. It happened to me last year when I was having all the heart problems. Fear just sucked me in and held me in its grip for a good long time. I chose a crap job over teaching because it was while teaching that the heart started acting up and I thought it might be too stressful to go back to. After a few months of said crap job, I started to realize why I had taken it and that a decision based on fear is always the wrong decision. I went back to teaching part time and did the educational theatre as well and, with a few minor setbacks, managed to handle everything just fine. Anyway, ever since then I feel like I've been prone to the fear thing more often and it bugs me that it still holds some sway. Like tonight I'm going to a free Kung Fu class, and I haven't done anything that physically gruelling for more than a year and the ol' heart fear kicks in. Ack, like how stupid do I think I am? If I feel strange, I'll take it down a knotch or rest for a bit - it's as simple as that. You can be sure I'll be headed to that tonight though, because I've conquered the heart fear. I just haven't worked on my previously unknown fear of sitting in a circle listening to people complain - which is probably not what the bi group is about, it's just what I'm scared of.

One of the other things was that I was looking at bi personal ads the other day and none of them were under the age of 40 and quite a few were 60+. Maybe I'm just looking at the wrong sites. It's not that it would bug me to get the perspective of people in that age group, but lets face it I was going in order to get pussy and well...60 is just a little over my limit. I've seen 60+ year old twat on the internet - now that scares me. I'm not into plastic surgery but jezus! If that's the future, I may have to get some stuff nipped and tucked down there. Don't get me wrong, a lot of older women are beautiful, but I don't really like going down on unkempt 20-year olds let alone... well you get my meaning. Perhaps it's just time to go to the lesbian clubs, which is fine just that lesbians aren't really all that fond of bi's and plus, hate to be mean, but bi's are usually cuter. I've seen some hot lesbians in my time, hell one is my best friends is a totally hot lesbian, but I've also been to the ladies nights and hooboy, - I'm sure Kristine remembers the night I got hit on by a Pat-esque Japanese woman with a mullet and poor Kris had to come save me (I was on e and just couldn't be rude enough to get her to fuck off)

But it seems weird, because a lot of girls I know are bi-curious but I can't imagine any of those girls heading out to a bi support group to see what it's like. Who knows? I guess I will at the end of August.

I did rent the movie Frida last night. I'd recommend it. What an incredible life story, and yes all of you who hate Salma Hayek, she's quite wonderful in this (someone told me recently that I looked like her, very sweet. Quite untrue, but very sweet). Though I'm not sure why they decided to do the movie in English and not Spanish. Well, that's not true, Salma said it herself that she needed the star power of Ashley Judd, Ed Norton, Geoffrey Rush, Alfred Molena etc in order to get the movie produced. She called on those star friends of hers to be in the movie and work for scale. Edward Norton is in it and apparently wrote the script, something I didn't know. But I still think it would have been better in Spanish. I'd love to see some of this woman's paintings and her diaries, especially the diaries - she led an extraordinary life and for some odd reason, though I have been through none of her trials, I felt like I related to her. She did these incredible paintings that were totally unique and yet made the viewer feel as though she understood them, life, and especially pain. Some of her paintings are pretty disturbing.

Well, off to do some CV stuff and then to show Adam's pictures to a lady who wants him to be a Fringe photographer. I'm sure she'll be duly impressed, even though I don't have all of his stuff. Could I have picked a more talented guy? Don't think so. Kind of intimidating at times, I tell ya.

Adventures abound.

"You can laugh, only if you laugh with me
You can cry, only if you cry for me
Don't forget that you're condemned to me
Oh can't you see, you always were
and you'll always be"

Here I am sitting and indulging in my shameful love of Shakira. How's that for honesty in a blog? Whew, that was tough.

Thankfully I know at least one of you out there shares my sickness, and that person is a music pro, so there! Shakira's emotions in the songs are just so completely illogical and over the top and it makes me feel like I'm not the only one who loses it. Plus it's just good Spic Pop.

Yesterday was filled with huge amounts of walking. I will never stop complaining about Edmonton transit - what the hell is the point in scheduling a bus to come every half hour when it takes me 20 minutes to walk the same distance? But it's been so beautiful out that I don't mind. Wait till December roles around - then you'll hear some bitching.

It was a day of trying to fix the many money issues I've racked up over the years. School and job and loans, it's all way too grown up for me. So it looks like I'll be getting a few hours at the TEFL school in August, which is great but it probably won't guarantee me 5 hours a week during school, which is my minimum according to my budget. So tomorrow I'm off to print a hundreds of "do you need a tutor?" signs to put up in September and send out a few CV's to fuckdamnshit minimum wage retail stores. But I'm being selective about the retail. I was thinking about applying to a couple of "adult" stores. I've never done that before, but who would you rather see than me behind the till of one of those places? Do you think it's ok to put my phone sex job down on the CV? I've got no idea if that would be a plus or not. The editing stuff would be cool, but I don't know many Edmonton magazines that have the money to pay their editors, unless they're editors in chief which would be way too many hours.

Then all the applications to fill out for student loans. I hate applications. I really hate them. I didn't even pass the Income Tax section of the Business Education class we were forced to take in Grade 10. Mind you, I barely passed that whole course, which should give you some indication of how useless I am. Even the retards did okay in that class.

For those of you who don't know, I haven't always been the brilliant scholar I am now. Oh yeah, plenty of failed high school courses. In fact, my English teacher told me that I shouldn't continue in English Literature. Go fuck yourself with that tiny pecker Mr. O'Donnell. I hate small men.

Tonight I'm off to a bi-sexual pride meeting in the hopes of meeting some nice people (girls to fuck). I'll probably end up in room full of 50 year old bi men. But that should make it interesting, if nothing else. And the best part of my week?? There's an Eight Shadows Fist Kung Fu school that's doing free lessons for all of August! More stoked I could not be. And the summer belly dancing course starts next week too!!!!! We'll see if any teacher can compare to my darling Rena

Okay, I really have nothing to say, so I'll stop blogging now. You see, I start getting work and the brain stops coming up with insights - how very sad.

The Little Prince explaining to the many rose bushes that his rose was unique in the universe, proving to the fox that he had learned the lesson that only with the heart can one see rightly, and that what is essential is invisible to the eye -

"You are not at all like my rose. As yet you are nothing. No one has tamed you, and you have tamed no one. You are like my fox when I first knew him. He was only a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But I have made him my friend and now he is unique in all the world." The roses were very much embarrassed. "You are beautiful, but you are empty. One could not die for you. To be sure, an ordinary passerby would think that my rose looked just like you - the rose that belongs to me. But in herself alone she is more important than all the hundreds of you other roses: because it is she that I have watered; because it is she that I have put under the glass globe; because it is she that I have sheltered behind the screen; because it is for her that I have killed the caterpillars (except the two or three that we saved to become butterflies); because it is she that I have listened to, when she grumbled, or boasted, or even sometimes when she said nothing. Because she is my rose."

A certain someone sent this to me a long time ago to make me feel special, proving as usual that he is perfect for me. I feel like celebrating his wonderfulness today, so I thought I'd share it with you all.

It's a great passage for explaining the reason why I decided I'd dedicate my life to children's lit. Some of the literature has such simple and pure themes and we imagine children reading them and subconsciously taking in the beauty of the world. I just want to continue taking in that beauty and reveling in it.

This morning I woke up in a foul mood. Slowly throughout the day I've been trying to find the beauty and thankfully it wasn't playing hide and seek with me today (though I do like to play with it). I feel justified in the way I choose to live my life and feel loved and taken care of. I'm choosing to see my curses as blessings.

I headed out to Zellers in the ass-end of Edmonton today to buy some shitty, cheap shelving. It's shitty and cheap but it's up. Goddamn, I usually like building stuff, but when the holes are all drilled unevenly by some mongoloid twit (not me, the factory worker) and you've got to really give 'er to penetrate the wood - jesus christ I know how guys feel breaking in a virgin now. I feel for you boys, you put in all that hard work and it still doesn't turn out all that well in the end. I also bought some new sheets for my bed, adopting Philandrea's idea that a bed is a nest that you have to build and make comfy. It looks very inviting now after all that screwing (god I wish I was talking about sex)

Actually, funny story. Yesterday morning I headed out on the bus to Bonnie Doon mall to try and find a converter at Radio Shack. I was waiting at the bus stop nearest my flat and this guy comes up to wait there as well. The bus shelter has been kicked in (by some rambunctious senior citizen no doubt, when will they stop with their shenanigans?) and some of the screws were loose. He starts working at one of the screws, trying to get it out. I look over and he smiles at me and just keeps at it. Finally, after about 2 minutes of twisting he comes up to me with the screw in his hand and says "Wanna screw?"

He was not an attractive boy, but dammit I thought that was pretty funny. We chatted for the duration of the wait and he turned out to be a bit of a bible thumper (leave it to me to attract a horny church goer). I left on the bus, and I gotta say it was the best pick up I've ever had. Not that it worked, but hey he was ugly and preachy - what do you expect from me? If the guy hadn't been ugly and preachy then my whole "not open for business" sign may well have been taken down.

While I was out in the block shopping area of Edmonton, I started thinking about something. Kanga hates malls, hates them. But she loves Ikea. I haven't been to a mall with friends for a long time, but weekend Ikea trips are becoming quite popular. What's the difference? Both areas are promoting materialism and a lifestyle based on the aquisition of "stuff" Is there a difference between malls and Ikea? If so, someone please explain this to me. And please note that I have no objection to either place.

Okay, I have to get some sleep. I get to register for my courses tomorrow. Very excited. Plus I'm putting in my application to teach the first year French course at the Uni. Keep your fingers crossed.

Joy of joys! I have my shipment from Prague! Oh sweet mother of all that is good and pure, you have finally seen fit to return to me my precious books!

Yesterday I lovingly (well, I should say "Duke lovingly") carried my boxes into my flat. I started ripping them open immediately, but then had to leave for the evening as poor Kanga is deathly allergic to cats and my stuff is covered in my little Katka's fur. The evening was topped off by having some fantastic wine (only one glass, I was very proud of myself) and cheese and the watching of one of my favourite movies: Maelstrom. It's a French Canadian movie and I highly recommend you all go out and rent it as soon as possible.

Okay, it's been brought to my attention that I must clarify my "perks to open relationships" blog. Excluding #4, which was really a bit of a joke. Honest. Kanga said that she had all those perks in a monogamous relationship. And many of you are thinking the same thing. And what I have to say to that is "well, I should fucking hope so!". The efficient solving of problems, feeling secure, and feeling appreciated are key factors in any strong relationship, be it friend, lover, parent etc. If you don't have them at all in your relationship with the person you love, then something is wrong! I misrepresented my basic point, for which I apologize. The two main points here are:

1. That those 3 sacred elements (Resolution, Security, Appreciation) are often forgotten about and neglected in relationships that have been going for more than a couple of years (that two year mark is a toughie) I'm saying they aren't forgotten about as easily in an open one. I'm not saying they aren't occasionally neglected in an open relationship too, but just not as often and not for as long. Some monogamous relationships can and do prove me wrong about this, but for the reasons I stated in the previous blog, the sacred 3 can be easier to maintain within polygamy. This has been my observation.

2. And this is my main point here, so pay attention! For the sacred 3 to occur, both people have to be feeling generous. In order to feel generous, you have to feel that this generosity is reciprocated and to feel like you are getting what you need. I'd wager that it's impossible to sustain generosity in any couple if the individuals aren't getting what they need. So Adam and I analysed what each of us needed and he needed sexual freedom - so I gave it to him, no skin off my back. By giving Adam what he needs, he becomes much more generous and vice versa. It's all a big circle. This has nothing to do with open relationships, it has to do with getting everything you need from your one partner and then, as a result, giving everything you can to that partner. If your partner needs something you can't give (and this happens, no one should be forced to give something they just can't bear to give), then I'd suggest that the relationship isn't going to work, because way too much bitterness is going to accumulate and generosity goes out the window.

If any of you have any additional problems with this you can go fuck your mothers. Kidding, please email anything you want about this. I welcome thought and discussion of any kind.

Okay, onto something different.

Had a lovely morning with my globe and mail. There was an article about the atrocious slaughtering of grizzly bears in the wilds of Siberia. Two Canadian researchers had been there for 8 years, trying to see if bears and humans could co-exist peacefully - very controversial research. They tried to get the bears used to humans and to see if the natural response of the bears was still anger. Well, they discovered that the bears were okay with the interaction, but then some murdering bastard decided to take offense to this research and went in and slaughtered all the bears in the study (about 30), using their basic trust of humans to make the killing easier. Whoever did it nailed the bladder of a baby bear to the research centre for the researchers to find. If you're interested in the research that was done look for: Grizzly Heart: Living Without Fear Amoung the Brown Bears of Katchatka (book) or see the PBS special Walking with Giants: The Grizzlies of Siberia

There was another story about the punishment of teenage crimes that has me a bit confused about my own morality. It seems more people are going to the cops about stuff that used to be "just kid stuff" before. You know, you're a 14 year old girl at a party, a little drunk and some dude rudely grabs your boob while you're making out with him. You didn't really want it to happen so now you go to the cops and report a sexual assault. Didn't happen in my day, that's for sure. A kid has his jacket stolen at school by some other kids, so you tell your parents and you go to the cops. Now, for some reason this kinda bothers me. Logically: two kids stole a jacket, fucking yeah you tell the police! It's a crime and you want your jacket back. But I've got a weird feeling about it.

I guess schools have always been "law of the jungle" places and while it's true that this hasn't worked out for the most part (just listen to most people's accounts of school day trials and tribulations) I don't know if running to the police really works for me as a solution. I guess I have some issues with turning to the state run criminal justice system to solve every little thing (which stems from my problem with all the people going to court over getting too hot a coffee). But also, okay I don't want to excuse young boys who have raped and beaten and pressured girls and it's not a bad thing to bring these guys into the limelight, but at the same time, at 14 we were all pretty damn confused about how much we wanted to do and with whom. So the idea of turning in a 14 year old boy to the cops because he mistakenly took some drunken or confusing sign from you to mean that he could grab a boob...okay let me rephrase. I'm suggesting that sometimes bad sexual stuff happens at that age, not out of aggression and disrespect but out confusion on the parts of both girl and boy. My solution would be to bring better sex ed into the schools so maybe girls figure out how to express boundaries better and boys learn how to read and respect those boundaries. But to turn the boy in and get him labeled at school as some kind of rapist isn't going to do much for his sexual mental health. And with the bullying it's hard to say. I kind of always thought of all that crap as being part of what you have to learn while growing up, you gotta learn to rise above what others think of you. To a certain extent of course, when you're beaten up and afraid of going to school something has to be done. But we all took some verbal beatings at school, and it was a defining moment in life when you realized that none of that shit mattered. I don't know if going to the cops would really give you that same feeling. Plus, the criminal punishment for stealing that jacket probably would be a slap on the wrist and then those boys are back to school with revenge on their minds...

What do you think?

To end on the most uplifting article in the paper, there is a new educator in town. I read that Chris Spence of Toronto is changing the face of schooling. He has organised a program called Boys to Men in his school (without gov't funding, he's raising his own funds and calling on other dedicated teachers) wherein he's trying to teach inner city boys about what it really is to be a man and how educating yourself is important. Aside from that, in 1998 he took over Lawrence Heights Middle School. One of Canada's worst performing schools, in a neighboorhood with gangs, drugs, and shootings and in the spring of 2000 discipline problems had all but vanished, the kids were scoring higher than the provincial average and there was a waiting list to teach there. Why don't we have him train some people to go talk to kids in school, rather than encouraging police involvement, that's my question?

Okay, I'm off to the park. Hope all of you have wonderful weekends.

"We can't all do great things. But we can all do small things with great love"
-mother teresa

Well, I'll tell ya it's taking all the love I have not to rip the heads off every person working for shipping or courier services (except Canada Post, they have not not wronged me. Yet) But things are coming together.

Heard that Hussein's sons were killed (or killed themselves) the other day. Can't believe how happy the US is about this. I mean, these two were men who were fighting for their father's cause, which is more than anyone can say about the sons and daughters of US gov't. I've never seen any difference between Hussein and Bush (except in their PR) - like Bush says Hussein is a man who has nuclear weapons and is not afraid to use them - uh excuse me but who is the pot calling the kettle black here? And no one thinks about how similar these two people are and how one has to lose his sons and the other puts nothing on the line. In fact, the whole US gov't puts nothing on the line (except the 1 senator whose son is in the army) for their cause. I don't like either gov't, but the joy expressed by US forces about the loss of the two people just seems so hypocritical coming from a gov't who has never risked putting anything they loved on the line for their beliefs.

Anyway, I know nothing about politics this is just my initial reaction.

As a plus to my day, I got to talk to my Pickle last night. And he's so excited about the improv stuff, it's wonderful to see him like this! And he proved how good he is to me yet again by forgiving me for something bad I did. Actually, he didn't even seem upset about it even though it was pretty bad. He's too nice to me.

But despite my missing him, I still made up my list of 5 celebrities that I'm allowed to sleep with. Inspired by Highness's blog of course.
1. Peter Wingfield (nobody knows this guy, but he's my only true celebrity obsession. He used to be Methos on Highlander, the series)
2. Juliette Binoche
3. Drew Barrymore
4. Jason Lee
5. Alan Cummings (but he's quite possibly gay and in the case that he refuses to sleep with girls I'd like to put Janine Garofalo in his place)

I almost killed Adam's leg when we went to see Xmen 2 because my Peter Wingfield has a small role in it (he's the lieutenant, but he put on a hideous american accent instead of his natural dreamy welsh one) and Alan Cumming is also in it (though he also faked an accent over his dreamy scottish one, I'm so a British accent whore). I was in heaven. I've never seen a better movie.

Who almost made it onto my list? Jackie Chan, Luke Wilson (sooo yummy), John Goodman, J. Lo (sorry but she's sooo hot), Tim Roth and Julia Ormande. ANd inspired by the list, I went onto the net and got myself a lovely screen backdrop with Peter Wingfield on it. I'm now fully a geek, but whenever I see his little face and his great nose my spirits are lifted. Sigh. It's like he's living with me.

I desperately need some sleep right now. Got up way too early. Not good for slackers/skivers like me.

hugs and kisses to all of you

I know I shouldn't post twice in one day but I'm so excited. Loomis did get their heads out of their asses (though I don't recommend anyone use them EVER) and I will be able to get my personal belongings tomorrow afternoon! YES, finally a good porn session without any mental distractions! I'm off!

"its hard to win the where you fit in to the social
scene/couple cuddling/drive me crazy/leave me alone/party animal/hanging out
with girlfriends dilemma."

Today's blog is about couple stuff. The freight fiasco continues and I just got my period so crankiness thy name is Tania.

Above is a very well written comment on yesterday's blog topic of singledom vs coupledom. It's true that most people probably fight with themselves because we all need alone time, party time, snuggle time etc and it's hard to balance all of these impulses. And it's probably a lot easier to balance when you're only dealing with one person and not the duality of coupledom. I mean, there are days when I wish I had a guy who wanted to sit around and watch TV with me and wanted to settle down now that he's found the right girl. But most of the time I'm thankful that I've chosen the challenging kind who still wants to challenge himself and party and try new shit all the time, because that's more or less what I want too... most times... sometimes... whatever. See, listening to yourself gets confusing. And sometimes Adam does want to sit around and watch TV with me (not that I have a TV, but whatev.) The tricky part is that sometimes when one person wants lazy comfort, the other wants wild dancing followed by 2 hours of rockin' sex. We both lead pretty seperate lives, but not too seperate. But that's also a problem with couples, because what is "too seperate"? If you never spend any time together and don't have anything in common, then can you call that a relationship? But most of the couples I know don't have to worry about being too seperate, I think they spend quite enough time with eachother thankyouverymuch.

I got several reactions to the topic and the episode of Sex in the City that I downloaded coincidentally fit in with this topic as well. Do you have to put your single self on the shelf when you're in a couple?

Now yesterday I was talking about doing the party thing, but I'm really more concerned with the fact that it's hard to get a couple to seperate even for one night. I personally enjoy doing things without Adam, but another of my blog fans commented that:

"I think that many people feel that the pressure of work is a huge obligation and responsibility, and I guess when you're in a couple the best way to spend the time when you don't feel that responsibility is with the one you love. It's not about cutting yourself off, it's about making the most of your down time."

She's right. I mean, when we were kids there was a lot of downtime and so we didn't really have to work too hard to make the most of it. But when you work everyday and only get a finite amount of free time, why wouldn't you want to spend it with the person you love? Perhaps what I'm really raging against isn't that couples cut themselves off or that people forget how to go out as individuals rather than pairs (though that's some of it), but that society as it stands doesn't really leave people with a whole lot of free time. I'm not talking about me here, cuz lord knows I've got more free time than I know what to do with (except that I'm on day 3 of home confinement waiting for Loomis to get their heads out of their asses) but the general trend of working and aging. A lot of people I know are in jobs that they don't love, and commit their free time to doing what they love, plus add to that general grown up stuff like groceries, kids etc, then try to come up with relationship time and what happens to single outtings? Dead.

I'm sure we'll all agree, it's necessary to put more effort into having a life outside of work. But after an 8 hour work day, feeding the kids, working at whatever artsy craft you love, who wants to put more energy into free time when you've barely got the energy for non-free time? It's a pickle, that's for sure.

Now back to my perversions. I'd like to get comments about differing levels of sexual drive within couples? How do you deal? I mean, most of the complaints come from the male of the species complaining that women aren't horny enough. But most of the women I know are fast approaching 30 or have already past it, and are in their sexual peak (as many of you know, Adam awaits my 30's in fear for his life) and the male horniness is dwindling after their useless peak at 20. I say useless because not a whole lotta men know what they're doing at 20 and so even though they can get it up a lot, nobody really wants them to.

People don't talk about this enough, and it causes problems in a lot of relationships. The person who wants the sex and can't get it, feels undesirable and frustrated and insecure. The person who doesn't want it feels selfish, abnormal (why does everybody else want it and not me?), and just a wee bit pissed off by all this pressure coming from the horny person. I've been on both sides of this equation. Now, some people (the majority are women I've noted) have actual psychological issues about sex and have to get them resolved before sex can be any fun. But lets take two people who are psychologically sane about sex, they still don't always have the exact same sexual drive. And what about horny girls? Society hasn't prepared us for the fact that we may have to beg for sex, it told us that men would always be begging us. It's tough, because the horny one doesn't really want to force their partner into having sex, but at the same time... well...as you sit alone, frustrated and masturbating in the dark the only thought you're left with is "why doesn't he/she want to have sex with me?" and then the neurosis begins. And the non-horny one sits there going "why don't I want to have sex?" or "why can't that stupid bitch/prick stop pressuring me?" Nobody I know has been able to give me a good solution to this so I lie here in wait (masturbating of course)for the wisdom that is latent in you all.

I hope today brings everyone good luck and many happy orgasms.

"Pullman summed up the power of story in his Carnegie Medal acceptance speech
when he said: "All stories teach, whether the storyteller intends them to or
not. They teach the world we create. They teach the morality we live by. They
teach it much more effectively than moral precepts and instructions...We don't
need lists of rights and wrongs, tables of do's and don'ts: we need books, time,
and silence. Thou shalt not is soon forgotten, but Once upon a time lasts
forever." (Pullman, 1996)"

Thank you Miss K.Lo for brightening up my morning with this lovely quote from Bill Pullman.

Today's blog is going to be a hodge podge of stuff. I'm a little distracted, and maybe this will centre me.

Okay, small additions to yesterday's peice. I've had a few emails which reminded me that I didn't deal with well, you know... the hair back there. I'm actually very surprised that moi, obssessed-with-body-hair-girl, would forget about this. If you are insecure about the hair around your bum hole the solution is: Shave it yourself, or better yet shave eachother.
Everyone, and I mean everyone, has got hair back there so there's no need to feel insecure about it. But it does look a lot prettier hairless. I had mine waxed once, and it didn't hurt at all but you gotta be careful cuz getting hot wax actually in the hole is bad. Very, very bad. Shaving is fine, and men generally get really turned on shaving your sex holes (me, I mostly get scared when I have to shave guys anywhere, but it's an individual thing). Use aloe vera or, and I highly recommend this, tea tree oil to cut down on shaving rashes and ingrown hairs in the nether regions. Just dab a little on after shaving. And if you're not a girl who enjoys shaving "it" , then I suggest that you apply the my favourite tit for tat rule here too.

The reason I've been highly distracted lately is that the freight I shipped from Prague has not yet managed to make it's way into my possession. The whole situation is just so completely Tania-esque. Luckily, Kanga has been keeping me laughing and positive about it, otherwise there would definetely be some dead bodies lying around - well, not whole bodies actually as all that would be left is blood and teeth. I'm thorough when I'm mad. The ordeal and mess of instructions one has to go through to get what is rightfully one's own - go right, then left, then find the chicken, wait for it to lay an egg, grab the egg and take it too the man in the pink shirt in the building by the sea, he'll tell the secret that only he knows, then...

Lesson to be learned: If you need stuff shipped, either ship it by air or just pay for the extra baggage on your flight home - it may not seem like it, but it will save you money and hassle in the end. Yeesh.

I was thinking about my time spent in Kelowna the other day, and I realized that singledom is getting harder with age. Adam and I spend a lot of time apart, which is good, but it's getting harder and harder to find people that want to go out as a single girl. More couples are popping up everywhere, and they are perfectly content to sit at home after work with their loved one, and they go out together. I mean, what's a single person to do on a Saturday afternoon? Go shopping with their coupled friends? Of course, you find other singles to hang with, but what about all your friends (and that number is steadily growing) who are in couples, are they lost to you? I'm not saying that couples should spend more time apart, nor am I saying that the difficulties of singledom are an excuse for all the middle-aged neurotics trying to get married, but really, why in this day and age, should being single after a certain age still be so hard? And, actually, why does being part of a couple make you want to cut yourself off and go out less? I'm not judging, I'm asking.

I guess it bugs me because after the Craig fiasco (bless him, but it really wasn't a good place for either of us) I'm trying really hard in this relationship to be independent and go out on my own a lot. I don't want to stagnate, and I don't want to get so comfortable in my life that I can't see that it's stagnating. It makes me sad, not because coupled people are bad, but because I realize something about my own life that upsets me. All the girls' nights out and party stuff, my other female friends had when they were younger and now they don't need to do it anymore. They got that independent stage over with. I on the other hand, was cooking dinners and never leaving the apartment at that age. So I'm trying to make up for lost time and it's not really working out for me. I'm going to end up being one of those cougars in the bar at 45 doing hooter shooters in a push up bra and leopard print pants.Sigh.

Okay, that's my thoughts for the day. I have part of an email from Fugger at the end of today's blog. If you're at all interested in the way politics work in our fair country, then have a look at it.


"Fair Vote Canada is one of my pet causes, and they've got an online petition that I encourage you all to put your name on. The purpose of the petition is to encourage the federal government to change the way we vote so that the number of seats a party gets is more proportional to the number of votes it receives. The way it generally works right now is that one party gets 40% of the votes, 70% of the seats, and 100% of the power.

This is an issue that has broad support from all kinds of political and nonpolitical people in different parties and organizations, but it is difficult to convince a government to change the system that got them elected in the first place. About every modern democracy in the world uses some sort of proportional system except the US, Britain, Australia (the warmonger countries -- coincidence?), France, and Canada. If you've got some time, read up a bit at http://www.fairvotecanada.org/, and then sign the petition at http://www.fairvotecanada.org/petition.php."

Yeesh, leave it to me to choose a blogsite that doesn't have comments. Luckily they list websites where you can find comments sections and install them into your template. Unluckily, the easiest ones to input (necessary for me) use javascript and this blogger can't handle ampersands! Joy! Blogger has some solutions to this, but I don't understand them so you will all just have to keep emailing instead of posting until my sweet Pickle arrives and makes the world a less confusing place for me.

I'm a little frustrated today about my stuff that's been shipped from Prague so I'm going to try and get my mind off of it by writing.

I've thought long and hard about today's blog subject (especially since I have been sans my little boyfriend for over a month)

ANAL SEX

Ok, anal sex is a wonderful thing. A lot of straight girls and boys are really dumb about this. So, not that I want this to turn into a Dan Savage column (as if I could possibly even compare to the great man) but I'm going to try and lessen the fear for all of you out there who cringe every time the ol' brown eye gets brought up. These instructions will be graphic, but nobody ever really talks about it and I figure I'll martyr myself since I'm already known for this crap.And I'm fully aware that some of my friends are already pros at this. Good for you! And dammit Corrine, my favourite colour isn't brown!

Anal sex for girls: So your man maybe has brought it up, maybe he hasn't, or maybe he just finds the whole area disgusting (in which case I feel sorry for you). Maybe you've attempted it, but have had bad experiences and just don't want to try it again. You can't just plunge into this area people!

First: equipment (not that equipment, though in this case a small boy might be preferred). 1)You'll need something to lube up with. Now most people think of KY lubes here, and that's fine but well... you will rip and tear a little and I've noticed that the chemicals in the lubes can really sting that area (and not just during the sex part). So use a water based lube if you must, but really I recommend spit over lube, just use a lot of spit. And my new friend Duke has also mentioned that olive oil is a good one. I accidentally cut myself with a knife and I put some olive oil on it to see if it would sting and it didn't so I'm going to give the all clear for that one. 2) We're all a little embarrassed by poo. Even I, lover of poo talk, don't really want it leaking out of me during moments of sexual desire. So get yourself a rectal syringe. Yeah, you can get the chemical enemas (either professionally administered or at home), but I've found they're way too complicated and the rectal bulb gets the job done. Any pharmacy should have them and I'd go for the large one so you don't have to keep refilling the stupid bulb while you're on the can (and you fill it with water - bottled or tap, it's up to you) They are sold next to the ear syringes. They look like a small turkey baster and you just fill it up with water, shove the little tube up your bum, and squeeze the bulb. Then take it out and push for the results (some people do this in the bathrub, please please don't be one of these people. Poo is for the toilet.) You'll be clean as a whistle in no time. However, you must realize this takes the spontanaeity out of it, but if you just can't handle the chance of poo then the syringe is the way to go. If you are going to be spontaneous, just don't do it after big meals. 3) a vibrator. A must for all those attempting anal sex (and for any woman in any situation really). Most of the problem is that you're too tense and so you need to relax and have fun with it. Vibrators are the best solution to this. Anal sex feels good and hits your g-spot in a way that regular sex doesn't do, so when you add a vibrator to the mix - it's all good.4) Booze. Yes if you wanna relax I find nothing is better than downing 2-3 shots of a nice hard liquor beforehand (no more than that, or we'll get back to the poo discussion)

Now onto technique: First, there must be much fingering, one, then two and then proceeding to two thumbs. Do this while having regular sex, girl on top or spooning sex are recommended positions for this. Vibrators are good for getting used to the fingers too (when are vibrators not good?) Having the finger in there should definetely highten your pleasure during sex. If it doesn't then you are not relaxed enough. Once you get comfy with this (and it could take several trials) you can start dealing with cock. Boys just be gentle and patient and hoo boy don't expect to get all the way in on the first time. Be happy with just popping the head through. And girls, get on top! - it's so much easier and you can control how much goes in and is just much less traumatic for the first few times. Oh yeah, it's a good idea to do all the finger stuff directly before attempting anal sex just to loosen everything up.

Now onto my favourite topic: Pegging! Yes it's all tit for tat in my sexual domain and I believe it should be in yours too. Boys, you have a prostate, anal sex will feel good. Gay men aren't stupid, you are! Girls, the prostate is not too far up(damn my small fingers!) and located by pressing towards the guy's tummy, not towards his back. You should be able to feel it, and he'll totally be able to feel it so I'm confident you'll find it. The instructions are basically as above except well... once your done with finger exploration, what do you use as a cock? Now most self respecting girls should have a dildo, but maybe you don't. Or maybe it's not silicon so you can't sterilize it and after journeys through a guy's anus, you definetely wanna sterilize that puppy. Now the ideal situation is that you already have a silicon dildo and you just spend the 30 bucks on a strap for said dildo and then just go to town. If not, keep on using the fingers, or just the dildo with no strap, or try a vegetable of some sort. Or fisting :)
Just don't use bananas as they are to be enjoyed orally for the little time we have them.
And don't forget to play with yourselves while this is happening boys! It's all about you and your pleasure. Really, it is.

Oh, and one last sexual comment. Miss K. Lo asked a question about learning how to deep throat. My friend Kanga was actually the girl who taught me what to do. I started with just practicing everyday to see how far I could get my toothbrush down there. Then I moved to the bananas, then well, you know what comes after don't you? But if you've got a dildo, they're handy too. The recommended position is to have your head on a pillow,with it slightly arched back so your throat opens and relaxes. It takes a while to get used to this, and the gagging still occurs. Just put it in as far as it'll go then stop and let it rest there so you get used to the feeling. Then try to go further and repeat. The only problem I've found with deep throating is that I can't breathe. Once the cock gets in there that far it'll block your nasal passages too and since your mouth is full of cock... So the guy has to pull all the way out and then go back in, big thrusts just not hard thrusts, so you can breathe while he's out. The banana isn't big enough to block the nasal passages, so you'll still be able to breathe then. Breathing though, is very important when you're trying to relax and open up your throat so the whole thing can be hard work, but the boy seems to enjoy it.


Okay, that's all for today. I'll write about something less perverted next time. Any questions? just email.

"I'll have to remain chained to my computer, monitoring your blog, masturbating furiously. Actually that sounds like a great name for an art installation: "... monitoring your blog, masturbating furiously." You may use it if you wish."

Thanks Fugger. Your reaction to my creating a blog was definetely the best. I would highly approve of your starting your own blog because you write amazingly well.

Today's topics: porn and open relationships. It might be a long one today so I hope you're all bored at work.

Miss K.Lo sent me a very interesting article from the guardian about the new female-run porn industry. I'm not sure if this link will work,

http://observer.guardian.co.uk/magazine/story/0,11913,1001733,00.html

Some of you may know that there was a time in Prague where I had the opportunity to set up a sex shop. We had a couple of backers and I was certainly interested. Things didn't work out, which was unfortunate, but some of the discussions I ended up having with my partner were quite interesting. She wanted to have all this art work, and fancy glass blown dildos, and arty soft porn whereas I was more interested in the actual sex stuff. I wasn't really in agreement with all the fru fru stuff. And I felt weird that I wasn't, like I wasn't feminine or something.

The article in the guardian states that the female-run sex shop may seem like new found sexual liberation, but is actually more about fashion and style than about women having orgasms. You have crystal dildos going for $1000, they have no vibration and don't really feel that good because they're completely hard and you can't sterilize them! Now, part of this might be that women like pretty things and that to have sexual toys and porn for women, it has to be prettier than the stuff for men, but a 1000 dollar dildo that doesn't even give you an orgasm seems to be missing the point of female sexual liberation. I can't just want to have an orgasm, I have to want a stylish orgasm, or in the case of aforementioned dildo, I just have to want style sitting limply in my pussy. So I'm curious about how this "sexual revolution" is going to turn out. Don't get me wrong, I think it's better than nothing to have all this female run stuff, and that at least I can talk about masturbating without getting strange looks, but right now the sex shops seem like they are just taking more advantage of female insecurity and trying to get them to feel like they have to spend a ton of money to have an orgasm when it's really as simple as reading Anais Nin and limbering up your fingers.
The female run porn industry looks like it's doing a better job of getting down to brass tacks and just making movies about sex, but with prettier guys and no as much mysogeny. I haven't seen any of it yet, but I'm looking.

And I ask you this, do all women want pretty sex? I know there are times when I like it kinda dirty...

Speaking of which, I've just moved to a new city and am meeting new people and am getting asked about the ol' open relationship yet again. It occured to me as I was trying to explain my relationship with Adam for the billionth time, that perhaps the reason people keep asking is that I'm not really explaining it all that well. Corrine is actually the person who summed it up best, and I will always truly love her for this. She said (and I will remember these words till the day I die, because it was the first time anyone appeared to really understand) "Relationships are about feeling safe and being able to trust, some people need different things to feel safe. You don't need sexual fidelity to feel safe, but you probably need other things." I don't need sexual fidelity to feel safe. So, for those of you who think this might be true for you as well, I thought I'd give out some of the main perks of doing the free love for all thing.

Perk#1: I'll admit, things do get a little tricky when something else is wrong in the relationship and you add sex with other girls. But I've found that for me, it's actually made the rest of our relationship healthier because you have to be in a healthy and safe and trusting place in order for the open part to work. So it forces us to work harder on keeping our issues solved. And plus, nothing gets you realizing there's a problem faster than him fucking other girls. For example have you ever realized that something has been wrong with your relationship for ages, but you've only just recently started to figure out what it is? Well, I don't have that with Adam, I start to realize something's wrong pretty damn quick.

Perk#2: By wanting to fuck around Adam has really just chosen to work a lot harder than other guys. We all know the romance diminishes after awhile in all relationships, but most of you other girls just have to accept it. I don't. You see, Adam can't get less romantic and take me out less, because I insist that he put as much effort into me as he does into his tarts (otherwise it just wouldn't be fair). So after three years I still get treated like a princess, taken out to operas and fancy dinners and snuggles on every single escalator (beautiful inventions for the short). He has to put a lot of effort into making me feel secure, I'd wager quite a large some of money (which I don't have, but whatever) that he puts more effort into that than most guys in monogamous relationships.

Perk#3: Every time he goes out with a tart he appreciates me more. Lets face it, you fall in love with someone for a reason but sometimes after a few years you forget what that reason is and you stop appreciating what you have. Adam goes on dates and realizes time and again what he has in me and how much better I am than all those other girls. One of my friends corroborated this by going out with Mr. B while she was considering entering a more serious relationship with Mr. A. The date with Mr. B was so dull and boring that she ran into Mr. A's arms, finally appreciating that what he had to offer was better than the others.

Perk#4: Now...hopefully Adam's not reading this. And not I'm encouraging this kind of thought. If you're entering into an open relationship you should really be more mature than this but... How is it possible for me to ever do anything really wrong when my guy fucks other girls? Oh girls, you're homefree, they can't get totally irate with you for silly shit because well, you let them fuck other girls. You can get away with so much more, ask for so much more attention, all of it!

Now some of you may be asking yourselves about me and my sexual liaisons. Well folks, I don't have them. After a lot of contemplating, I've taken myself out of the open deal. Which, yes, means that he fucks around and I don't. Now I get a lot of bullshit about him using me etc - please, as all of you are my friends and know that I'm happy with Adam don't make this assumption anymore. You all know I'm a smart girl, don't think that I'm just his puppet who sits around waiting for him to call and taking his abuse, it's just insulting. I realized that I don't want to have sex with other guys (unless they're really good friends, and we have a rule about having sex with friends because it just gets too complicated so, no sex with friends for me) and that our relationship has always been about freedom and doing everything to give the other person what they need. I didn't know what I needed, but thought long and hard about it and came up with a few things. Nothing on my list had anything to do with fucking other guys, so I'm no longer open for business (well, for girls yes). I was silly for the first bit of the relationship when I assumed that I needed the same sexual freedom that he does. Everybody needs something different. And that's an important lesson for any relationship - figuring out what you need and getting it.

OK, you're all bored to tears now, so I'll leave you all. But feel free to direct others to this site. Just not my parents.

Well, to the great joy of at least two of my friends, I've started to blog.

Due to my lack of ambition about all things computery, my website will look nowhere near as good as Chelsea's. But even if no one reads this, I think it'll be good for me to do a little writing that might possibly be read by someone. I've got way too many binders, diaries, notebooks, small bits of paper filled with writings that will never be read by another human soul. I figure blogging is a safe and fun way to get some stuff out there - though most of it will be fluff about my life.

Today was an excellent day. I woke up this morning at 7:45am to go to the farmer's market. Needs to be done otherwise there are so many people there that I start to get aggressive and shove old ladies, which doesn't really fit in with the hippy, peace-loving attitude there. Found some lovely things, got home and made a great breakfast which I ate while reading the GlobeandMail - did anyone else know that we will be bananaless in 10 years due to the fact that bananas have all been bred with no genetic differences and therefore cannot evolve different qualities to defend themselves against diseases? I'm deeply disturbed by this. These are great fruits and they were the sole tool involved in my teaching myself how to deep throat - I shall miss them dearly and I wonder how young, curious girls of the future will learn this technique.

I then listened to an absolutely fabulous speech by Arundhati Roy on the local university radio station called "On Imperial Democracy" in which she says "democracy is the free world's whore" because it can be dressed up, or dressed down, used, abused and basically made into whatever leaders want it to be. She made many other comments, aimed right up the US governments ass, in such a poignant and poetic way that no US politician I've ever seen would be able to possibly defend him/herself.

Now I'm just bored to death and hungry. But not hungry enough to do dishes just yet.

Edmonton has proven itself to be my home once again. I've gotten a job substituting and I may have a shot at teaching a first year university French class in Sept. My supervisor has also assigned me and one of her other students to start research on the World's First Anthology of Latin American Children's Literature. I almost peed myself as it would both blend in nicely with my research interests and get me published. I could kiss that woman, but I don't think she leans that way. Which is too bad as she's cute. On less academic subjects, but no less intellectually stimulating, my friend Kanga has returned to Edmonton to give me a semblance of a social life. She is fantastic, no other word for her. And her new boyfriend Duke is a total doll whom I fell in love with at first sight. All her friends are super friendly (have to keep reminding myself that I am in Alberta again, land of the happy, accepting people). The two of us are having a ball recounting to shocked faces the story of how we met as it goes along the lines "well, she was on a date with my boyfriend..."

Okay, I think that's as much info as anyone needs to have about me now. I shall leave off as I don't even know if this post is going to happen - this is all a bit too confusing for me.