I have a good deal of newsworthy info today so be excited. Your drab little Tuesday is about to get better. Yes, I know it's Friday but most of you use my blog to escape the drudgeries of work so I know this'll be the "Tuesday morning I can't believe how bad my hair looks sweet god I need a coffee" read.

Well first off, the good stuff. I watched Max at Scotty's house last night. This sentence amuses me no end as it some could take it to mean I went over to Kanga's ex-fiance's house to watch her ex-husband. Hehehhe.

Sorry, guess you had to be there.

While Scotty is Kanga's ex-fiance, we watched the movie Max, not the person Max. It stars John Cusack. Brilliant movie, Cusack is positively poignant. And it's not afraid of silence, which is excellent, though I think the noisy parts (ie:the script) could have used some work. But the best part of it was that I watched the movie at Scotty's place. Who is Scotty? He's a new friend. Yup, that's right I made a friend. Well, he was actually introduced to me by Kanga so it's not like I met him on the street or anything but I called someone new and he agreed to let me hang out with him and tadah! I have my first new friend who I can call up and go out with. And he's pretty cool too. The number has grown from 2 to 3! I'm on my way here people!

Actually he's a total sweetheart. He bought some salt n vinegar chips for me even though he hates them and then he wrapped the leftovers all up with a twist tie so they wouldn't spill on the walk home. And he walked me home. I love it when people spoil me.

On to not so good news. The fabulous school I was working for has been bought out by a couple of arseholes. I need the job, so I'm putting up with them for now but it sucks as the previous manager rocked. Anyway, it doesn't seem like they're going to be making any bad changes, it's just that they really need to take a course in "people skills". Some people are just so clueless about how to get along with and deal with other human beings. Really, there should be some sort of program to help the socially unskilled - the woman has already yelled at one of the students and the 2 full time teachers quit they're jobs today. Yeesh. But I'm hanging in there. I just feel bad cuz these kids are so vulnerable here in Canada and they really need the support of the school they're in, and I just can't see these people providing any warmth or comfort at all. Like I said, I need the job in a desperate way, and the new people are actually increasing the wages (maybe these people aren't so bad after all...) but my big momma bear protective instinct has already begun to kick in so god help these two morons if they yell at any of my students.

Next week school starts. EEEEEEEeeeeee! I'm stoked, but I'll be working a ton of hours for the school too as they lost 2 full time teachers. So I'm going to be a busy busy girl. I hate being a busy girl, it's not a good thing for me ...okay what do we all say at this point? that's right: SUCK IT UP TANIA!

Well, I guess I don't have that much news after all. Adam and I are off to some holdover shows from the fringe (my obsession continues!) and at some point this weekend I'll be calling Scotty in order to wrangle some more time at his apartment because he has the cutest cat. Could this new friend be any better? She's such a suck, I adore her. Not sure what else is up, but hopefully a little tanning will occur so I can appear goddess-like at Corr's wedding next week. After a week of full time school and close to full time work, I'll likely need all the help I can get in the appearance department.

I hope your long weekend is filled with pleasure. Let it remind you what life is supposed to feel like!

Why I Like Men
by Edith Speers

mainly i like men because they're different
they're the opposite sex
no matter how much you pretend they're ordinary
human beings you don't really
believe it

they have a whole different language and geography
so they're almost as good
as a trip overseas when life gets dull
and you start looking
for a thrill

next i like men because they're all so different
one from the other
and unpredictable so you can never really know
what will happen from looks alone

like anyone else i have my own tast with regard
to size and shape and colour
but the kind of style that has nothing to do
with money can make you bet
on an outsider

lastly i guess i like men because they are the other
half of the human race
and you've got to start somewhere
learning to live and let live
with strangers

maybe it's because you if can leave your options open
ready to consider love
with such and out and out foreigner
it makes other people seem
so much easier

A good argument for heterosexual love if I've ever heard one, and there aren't too many of those to be found these days. Thankfully Adam and I are getting back on track after a period of mild disturbances. It's been nice getting that lovey feeling again. And to top it off I've got belly dancing tonight so the day just gets better. It's raining out, so my financial budget can go fuck itself, I'm taking a cab to bellydancing.

I've realized that with me and money, I have to learn from my dad. My dad is hyper concerned with money and never seems to have any. When I adopt his stressful attitude towards the green stuff, I seem to see it sifting through my fingers. When I just stop worrying so much, it always seems that the world gives me the money I need. It's odd, but I shouldn't kick my proverbial horse in the mouth by not having faith that it will drop the cash my way when it has always done its job before. I'm not sure exactly which one of my dead friends or relations has taken on this horse form, but whoever it is, I'm grateful as hell.

I've been getting comments on my blog! Please, let the comments flow forth. I don't care if you want to tell me about your recently passed kidney stone, just write something! May all my friends around the world join hands through the miracle of my blog. It's the internet buddy system! Brought to you by Tania*

In response to the alone-liness blog which so many of you responded to: I'm okay and am trying to be patient about it. I know I will be soon be so loaded with friends I'll be turning my ringer off to get away from all you fuckers. But it's just been a little bit of a shock coming from oh-so-supportive Prague to oh-so-isolating Edmonton. But I'd also like to state that alone time is so good and part of my complaint was about being seen as an oddity for enjoying time spent with oh-so-brilliant me. But as with all things, I'm up to the challenge. And holy fuck, who is more friendly/outgoing/gregarious than I? And who has been teaching all week with no possibility of swearing and is now releasing all the pent up cursing on this blog? fuckshitdamnandmypersonalfavouriteCUNT.

Oh, and I checked out the Trapped story referenced on yesterday's blog. Yup, got a little wet. I give it 4 Drips (must come up with some sort of pictorial icon for this. Can't be too crude, but must leave good mental image for all those reading. If anyone has any suggestions just get them onto the comments)

And to make my day even super happier, Miss K.Lo has returned from her vacation! So now I can talk to her everyday again, which I have missed doing far too much. She is never allowed to leave me again!

Enjoy your days.

*Tania is a trademark internet buddy system which cannot be replicated by anyone else as no one has such truly unique buddies as she!

Have been feeling pretty at peace with the universe the past couple of days. It's been a nice change.

Am reading Moments of Desire: Sex and sensuality by Australian Feminist Writers. It's not particularly sexually arousing, but the stories and poems are very well written. However, if you want arousing one of my readers has suggested visiting The Big O link on this very blog and reading the Straight Story in Achives 2002 called"Trapped." I haven't checked it out yet, but guess what I'm doing once the blogging is done?

Actually, I'm reading a ton of stuff right now. It's been hard to keep it all straight, but I like the feeling. It's one of those summer feelings where you've got the time to read and you buy all these books and start them all at the same time. Some of them get finished, others don't but it doesn't matter because they're all strictly pleasure books. Mmm...pleasure.

I'm not actually too inspired today so perhaps I'll to shut my damn yap in under 6 paragraphs!

Today was the last day of the Fringe. I think I'll feel the loss rather profoundly. All around my neighbourhood there have been buskers, actors, food booths, people selling their homemade crafts - basically folks trying to make a living off the things they love doing. The atmosphere has been, to use a cliche, electric.

I woke up this morning and went down to buy some tickets for Adam and found a ton of people out at the open stage, even though it was a little before the technical opening of the fringe day. But there was a Christian rock band on, and people were just totally getting into it. It's not my thing, but instead of finding the god-induced trance freaky, I decided to get off on the total joy that these people were releasing into the atmosphere. I tried not to think about how most of these now peaceful, loving people were probably anti-semitic gay bashers.

As I walked around, chatting with people in line-ups and the buskers that I've come to know, I realized how inspiring this experience has been for me. In Prague, there's a bohemian artsy lifestyle but no one actually accomplishes anything. They just smoke pot and rhapsodize about the tyranny of the work/gov't forces. At this Fringe, I saw a ton of people working hard to live the kind of life they wanted to be living. They had put in the hours and the effort and now they are supporting themselves doing the things they love. And when buskers can afford to pay the airfare from Australia to come and busk in Canada for a week, I can only imagine that they're doing all right. And all these plays, beautiful theatre, put on by talented, mostly young people. The one-man shows written and performed by the same person which showed so much sensitivity to human nature and so much humour. And they are doing it. They are travelling and putting their work forward and selling it and believing in themselves.

The last show I saw today couldn't have been a more perfect example of this. Two guys who are jugglers who managed to put together a show that can go on inside the theatres at fringes, rather than outside on the street pleading for loonies. It was one of the most amazing demonstrations of what the human body is capable of - stunning, they are absolutely stunning. I've never seen juggling like this and they worked it all in together as the story of the "Trained Human" with such humour and energy.

They are called trainedhumanclub and their show is called Anthropology. Check out http://www.trainedhumanclub.com and they will be at the Victoria and Vancouver Fringes soon. Victoria: Aug 25 - Sept 1. Vancouver: Sept 4 - 14. Instructions to Grasshopper and Corrine: Get everyone to buy tickets to see them. Obey me now!

But not only is this a demonstration of the wondrous human body, but of the wondrous human spirit. It can't have been easy spending all those years perfecting an art which people pay for with loonies. But they perfected it and are working on changing the way it is performed. They are putting something new and beautiful and superfun out there. I'm so envious I could just choke.

At this time, I would like to thank the Fringe, and also Kanga and the other friends that are showing me that being creative is possible. Showing me by example how to start and actually finish creative projects and then do something with them. I am inspired by you all and have been reminded of the greatness that this city produces because of its love and support of the art community. I just hope I can remember all this in a few months when I'm bogged down with papers and research (not to mention snow)- I'm sure one of you will remind me.

And I'll make the Vancouver Fringe easy for you all. Go to http://www.vancouverfringe.com. The plays you must see are:
Toothpaste and Cigars at Venue 4.
Anthropology and Boy Groove at Venue 5
Sabotage and Sex, Violence and the Meaning of Life at Venue 8.
The absolute must-sees here are Toothpaste and Cigars, Anthropology and Sex Violence and the Meaning of Life. There, now go and be cultured.

So I'm off now. The apartment needs cleaning. Sadly creative productivity has done nothing to help my already rather weak skills as a housewife. But I've already made a start as the place no longer reeks of rotting food. Now if only I could get the urine smell out...

As much as I don't like put negative stuff into the atmosphere, I feel the need to write my thoughts this morning.

I woke up crying today. Not a great start for the eternal optimist. It's not something that happens to me often. My reason: forced isolation.

Edmonton is a really friendly place and everywhere I go there are many people who will strike up a conversation. However, sitting at home there is almost no one I can call if I want to hang out in a group. And though I love Kanga, one woman (even one so great as she) cannot really be a substitute for 10-15 people.

Last night Adam went to go see Medea (a play at the fringe that I saw the night before) and he met some people who do sketch comedy (which is his passion) in the line and ended up staying out till 7 in the morning with them. I was really happy for him, but also felt totally alone. I mean, I've been standing in line ups chatting with people all week, not to mention chatting with people on busses, in cafes etc for the last month and a half and the only opportunity I've had to go out with any of these random strangers was to go to church with the "screw guy" at that bus stop.

This led me to blame others. And to make some observations about women going out alone. I believe there is a difference between the societal views of a woman who goes out alone and of a man who does the same. We all know the obvious: guy goes to club alone = no big deal (depending on his age of course) and girl goes to club alone=big deal. But it seems to have spread from the nightclubs. Cafes are pretty safe, lots of people alone there but the last 2 times I've gone to read at one I have been surrounded by single men and only groups of women. The reason I noticed was that the single men on both occasions were pretty damn cute. And standing in these line-ups I've come to notice that there are many women going alone but all of them are 10 to 15 years older than me. All the younger girls are grouped and paired. Not a single, single younger girl out there.

What's going on here?

Now, the line-ups have also led me to notice some strange reactions in people. The first is that my queue companions always ask "who are you waiting for?" rather than "are you waiting for someone?" This includes the older single women. And the weirdest was the reaction I got upon seeing some jugglers that Adam and I had met at a previous show. I went alone to this show and saw them walking out and went to say hi and we were walking home together and the girl said "where's the guy...Adam? you were with last night?" and I said "at another show I think, I don't really know" and they all gave eachother a look.

Can someone tell me what this look means? Maybe, like so many others, they think Adam is gay and I'm just his unsuspecting cover. A theory which seems ludicrous but is really no more so than that they think it's odd that I have a boyfriend yet I still go out alone.

Anyway, I started thinking that perhaps it's not so easy for women alone to hook up with people because people see them as oddities. Or as if there must be a reason for their being alone. This is totally unfair, but has some foundation of truth methinks. I don't think this is because of any perception of females being weaker, I think it just has to do with the fact that most of the time women are in groups and so when you see one alone, it's different. And we all know how terrible different is.

But I also can't deny that in Edmonton, it's not so much that I go out alone because I want to, but because I have to. There's no one else. And maybe that's rubbing off on me. Maybe people can see my isolation, written across my chest where my breasts should be so that my warm and inviting breasts are blocked from view thereby making me so much less likeable. I mean, lets face it I'm putting these babies out there this summer and no one with girls as nice as mine should really be having this much trouble finding a group to go out with. Although perhaps they're thinking "she's got killer tits and she's still alone??? Hooboy, I'd hate to see whatever she's got growing on that vagina but it must be pretty bad"

I don't mean to complain. I know that in Kung Fu I was making friends. But I had to stop going because I was only going for the free lessons and I would never have gone after that. I was using them and not showing any loyalty to the art or the Sifu and that's just not the Fu way. The university classes are so much closer and cheaper and I'll make friends there too I'm sure. And there are two nice girls in belly dancing and the new belly dancing classes start in Sept. Plus school in Sept too. But I'm alone now and now is where I'm at so I'm kinda sad.

And if you're wondering about friends at work some of the girls are pretty nice, but most of them are...well snooty. There I said it. I judged them. But some of the snooty girls are leaving and I promise to make more of an effort to go out with the non-snooty ones.

However in about 20 minutes I'll be headed to yet another line up for yet another show and I'll attempt to wipe the chest clean so all there is is boobies. No bra today babies, no bra.

Running all over doing errands. It's amazing how efficient one feels when one actually does things. I bought my ticket for Ktown to go to Corrine and Mike's wedding, which I am uber excited about, and it makes me feel better about not having been able to go down this weekend for her staggette. I just can't believe I wasn't there. But I couldn't afford it, sigh I hate money.

Which leads nicely into today's topic of friends and family. This nagging little voice in my head has been getting louder of late. It keeps telling me to keep in touch and make more effort with good friends. Sadly, in this busy day and age, it's pretty difficult to do. But I'm trying to figure out why this sudden feeling of love towards the pals and relations has started.

I have a very odd family situation. I'm the only child of two paretns in very large but very distant families. I have hundreds of relatives in Costa Rica (thousands really) but I hardly get to see them. Though family is very important to my mother so I love them all and feel attached to them even when I rarely communicate with them. Then my dad's family, which is also quite large but very (and do I mean very) disfunctional. He has totally disassociated himself from them, but my...call it curiosity, is aroused and I'd like to meet more of them. Lots in Montreal and quite a few in a small Italian village. And then there's the Mexican family that my uncle married into in Victoria - they are so super nice to me and are really the only family I've ever known in Canada, but they are also distant and it's kind of odd because they think education is shit and I just can't agree with them on that point. Not that I think education is everything, but not a single one of them has ever read a book for pleasure. The idea is laughable to them - most of them are working 2 jobs in order to support their kids. And they have a point that they're Mexican, and even if they educate themselves to the limit, this country still won't be so nice to them.So I know in a very vague sense that I have this massive community of support, but it's really vague. And I don't want it to be vague anymore.

Am I nesting? Why am I suddenly wanting to feel like part of a community?

Maybe because I was part of a very large family of friends in Prague and I loved the sense of security it gave me. Maybe I want to feel that more often.

I'm also looking back on how many good friends I've just lost touch with over the years. I've moved to a new city every 2 years since I was 19 and I did a lot of moving before then too and it just seems like I'm a place just long enough to develope a good circle of people and then I take off. I suppose it's the consequence of constantly wanting a new scene, but I've ditched some really loyal friends in the process and that just ain't right.

Perhaps it also has something to do with feeling connected in general. I mean, the more love the better right? Love and care just make you feel more connected to the universe, more willing to put love out there.

Who knows. But I will say that I've met some fabulous people over the years, both family and other. I want to thank all of them for having tried to be good friends with a girl who hasn't really given a whole lot back in return (other than her strange perversities).

Must go see more theatre. Can't stop.

I read this article in the G&B on students at a math camp. It was wonderful. Most of you know about my conditional pass of grade 11 math (the second time I took it, the first time I couldn't have passed even if I had been willing to suck off the teacher) and how I was allowed to pass only if I promised never to take math again. A promise I have gladly kept. But these kids at camp were so passionate about it, so in love with it. Just listen to this quote from an 18 year old boy

"I love it for its elegance, its beauty, its innumerable coincidences. I love math because it is one of the only things in this life in which there seem to be certainty and truth. I love math because it is an endless uncharted territory, and it lets me live the dream of so many children: to be an explorer in wild and untamed countries. I love it because I can share it with others, and they can share it with me, even if we don't always understand eachother. I love it because it is a universal language of thought and reason. I love it for the wonderful people who do math, research it, and teach it."

People are seeing the beauty of this world from so many different perspectives. It's just so totally cool.

Okay, I'll try to do my usual weekend Globe and Mail edition. But it's going to be rough as the almost the whole damn paper was filled with articles about the blackout.

"But even better than being deprived of TV, we're deprived of TV's coverage of the calamity- no endless loops, no hyperbolic pundit gamma blab. THis is maybe the strangest thing of all: For the first time in long while, a disaster is experienced first hand by all involved, rather than watched over and over and over again. It's as if a great compulsion has been lifted from millions of voyeur addicts, and they are all pulsing with the freedom of the newly sober.
"City-TV's down there, man... they're taping, taping, taping everything, they're recording it all. But - but - no one's watching it!"

- from article by G&B's Ian Brown.

The above is an excerpt from the only article about the blackout that held my interest. I'm not saying the whole thing is not worth reading about, it was just a few too many articles saying the same damn thing. I love the fact that people felt free during the black out as it totally proves my point that people need simpler lives and that most of technology just keeps us from going outside. I mean, you'd think "it's totally dark in a big city, everyone's going to hole themselves up and bar up their windows" But they didn't. They went for strolls, they were talking to neighbours from windows across alleyways. And what were the computer pros doing all night long? They were holed up trying to a: fix the electricity "problem" and b: avoid any complications in websites and databases, like the poor guys forced to work the night at Scotia Bank. Now I'm not saying I want to get so simple that we do away with electricity. That's too extreme, even for me. But everyone was commenting on the joys of not having TV for that night, and since I'm completely TV-less and hope to be for the rest of my life, I can assure all of you that not having a TV is an fabulous thing. (those of you who only have TVs because you like to rent movies, you are forgiven) But I beg you to just try living without TV for 2 weeks. See how much you get done. See how much more you leave your apartment. I've been totally without TV for a little over 2 years and I was without cable tv for 2 years prior to that, and I don't think it's done me too much harm. Though sometimes I wish I had a tv to drown out the noise of the fish on my shower curtain, when they start to party... sheesh, you'd think they'd have a little more respect. I clean them, I

Anyhoo...

On that note, I turn to an article by a hideous journalist named Doug Saunders. He claims that nature is much better when humans intervene with it. That places like Mandalay Bay Casino Resort in Las Vegas, where there is a fake beach with filtered water and sand, heated water and no mosquitos, is much better than any real beach you'll find. He ...he.. he just disgusts me.
http://www.theglobeandmail.com/servlet/ArticleNews/TPStory/LAC/20030816/DOUG16/TPColumnists

I really can't say enough about how revolting his opinions were. Part of his article rings true in that we're only going to fix our "nature vs humanity" problem with compromise and acceptance of some human intervention in nature. But the fact that he doesn't like real nature and says that the fake stuff is better...he's an idiot. 'Nuff said.

Why can't people just realize that hobbits have the right idea?

Okay, what else is new...um oh here it is. There's an article about how Haida indians are finally getting some of the remains of their ancestors from the museums that have been keeping them in metal boxes. Their ancestors will finally be able to find peace. But the museums agreeing to repatriate are Canadian ones. Museums in the UK are saying that they are totally against this. Yes, because what we humans have learned from skeletal remains lying in metal boxes in museum basements far outshines the importance of respecting the burial customs of entire cultures. Yeesh, stupidity can still astound me at times.

Other than reading the paper, I've been going to see many wonderful shows at the Edmonton Fringe Festival (the world's 2nd largest Fringe) and it makes me glad once again for my void of TV life. The human interaction I get from theatre just can't be beat. Good shows to see: Tyrannous Rex, Sex Violence and the Meanling of Life, and The Garden. Hopefully they'll come to other, lesser, Canadian Fringes.

I'll be back tomorrow (joblessness abounds again!) discussing my recent need for family and friends.

Wishing you all a lovely weekend.

Okay people, just a quick one to explain all the links on my blog.

And yes, it was none other than yours truly who set them up. No Pickles necessary. Mind you, it was really easy and fully explained in my blog support, but still I'm proud of myself.

So, Good Girl is a rockin' magazine my friend Nikko Snyder started. She was one of my best friends in elementary school and I did a search on her name awhile back to see where the girl was, and I found her amazing magazine. You can read some of the earlier issues (like the one on sex) on the site, but for the others you'll have to buy it.

Geist is the literary and cultural mag I used to work for. It's very cool and has been rated Western Canada's Top Mag for 2 years running.

The Big O is a porn site, but written porn no pics. It's not fabulous but it's pretty good. I'm still looking for the great ones. You'll all be the first to know when I find a good site. It's actually called LadiesWeb.

The Carta site is interesting as I had no idea such lovely stationery existed until I read Matej's blog and one of his entries had a link to the site. Since I get off on all things papery, I loved it. I just can't believe that Highness knew about my obsession with pens and paper and didn't tell me about it.

The rest are all blogs. Highness has a beautiful blog, just lovely and you should all take a look at her programming expertise. I hope Matej doesn't mind that I link him, as I don't think he reads my blog and I don't know him as well as I know his girlfriend (though I don't know his girlfriend half as well as I'd like to know her heheh). But he's a good writer and I find his stuff entertaining, so I thought I should share.

Okay, off to delly bancing. I can't believe I've done all this stuff to my blog and this is the week that tons of you are on vacation and won't be at computers. Oh well, you'll see it soon.

Love and energy

"Don't tell the Grown-Ups ,(Alison Lurie) a collection of essays which pursued the thesis that most of the classic children's literature authors were people with lost childhoods. This meant, she claimed, that many children's books have an instrinsic subversive quality, as they tend to side with children against the mean, dull, platitudinous, money-grubbing, hypocritical adults"
- Michael Rosen of the Guardian

or maybe someone just wanted to tell the truth about how mean and money-grubbing adults are...

Well hello world!

Had a super day of teaching today where all but one of my students showed the vast improvements they've made under me. I got this one guy who was just terrible at the beginning. It's not that he can't understand English, but he just can't pronounce anything to save his life. His speech was unintelligable at the beginning of last week. This week, he's been crackin' jokes and everybody has been able to understand them - well it still takes a few tries but he's lept and he's bound. So proud of him. Actually, he's some big shot Korean stage designer so all his classmates think he's pretty cool.

See, there are rewards to work. Especially teaching, which I do love to do and which I think I'm pretty good at (despite of, or maybe because of, a very relaxed attitude about class conduct). You should all just be glad I got this teaching job. I mean, if I bitch this much about good jobs, just imagine my rants on retail.

I also got a letter from Miss K. Lo today which contained a totally cheesy pic of her, and a good cartoon, and a fab article about a Children's Lit pro which she lovingly cut out of a newspaper for me. What a doll.

And, let everyone rejoice! My Pickle put a comments section on my blog (and he changed the colours around all pretty and stuff) and even though the comments stuff will not always work (something weird about their website) I invite you all to comment your little hearts out. Please.

But probably the best news of the week is that I finally got used to having Adam around again. This weekend I realized that the crabbiness on my part was getting out of hand. Most of the time, this happens because I'm not getting enough time on my own so my first instinct this weekend was to bolt. However, for some odd reason my brain decided to work outside the box and realize that I just wasn't connecting to Adam because I haven't been spending enough time with him. Weird huh? So as much as I wanted to just kick him out of the apartment and do my shit, I decided we would spend the whole weekend together. The. Whole. Weekend. (insert scary music here)

The first day, I'll admit was a little tense. I was still pretty damn cranky. But Sunday we bonded at the mall. And yes, that would be the world's largest mall West Edmonton Mall. I'm not particularly proud to be living the city of that holds that Guiness Record, but it's not a bad place to go to wander and hang out. We saw Finding Nemo which was very cute, but also totally action packed. I was sorry I didn't bring my heart meds. Then we paid the big bucks and went to see Matrix: Reloaded on the Imax screen - best way to see that movie. Plus that movie can always bear seeing again so my little brain can comprehend more. And it encourages me to swear in French. So after all this bonding, I'm finally feeling well... bonded. All fuzzy and warm. Eeeeeeee. Like right now as I type, Pickle is practicing guitar (which he just decided to learn) and strumming chords repeatedly and instead of wanting to rip all his fingers off and feed them to him, I just think it's cute. Does bonding make me pathetically cheesy? Maybe. Does it make me less homicidal? Definetely.

So perhaps I was getting a little too judgemental about couples spending too much time together. I guess sometimes you just need to do it.

Blood sugar getting low. Need nourishment. Will go find tiny defenseless animal to mutilate and bbq.

Je te pis au cul

"It will be said that, while a little leisure is pleasant, men would not know how to fill their days if they had only four hours of work out of the twenty-four. In so far as this is true of the modern world, it is a condemnation of our society; it would not have been true at any earlier period. There was formerly a capacity for light-heartedness and play which has been to some extent inhibited by the cult of efficiency. The modern man thinks that everything ought to be done for the sake of something else, and never for its own sake."
-Betrand Russell

Oh how I do love Grasshopper. And Highness for that matter. Her funk over her soon-to-be-over jobless state got me thinking about jobs again and that has led me down the path to a new revolution that I suspected was around but didn't really know how to get in touch with. Well all I had to do was mention in the blog that I identified with joblessness and Grasshopper gives me a ton of stuff to help me down the path. What a lovely boy.

What revolution is this? The anti-pointless-job revolution. There are websites out there to help you and give you advice if you're trying to work less, or not work at all, and devote more time to the things you love. There's a pretty cool article by Bertrand Russell at http://www.zpub.com/notes/idle.html called In Praise of Idleness that makes some excellent points about how there is way too much work for some and too little work for others. How if we all worked 4 hours a day, we would be able to produce all we need and everyone would have jobs but would also have leisure time to relax, but wouldn't be so tired from work that they would need to spend their leisure time doing vapid, mindless shit. He also argues that with more idle time we'd be more educated and happier and generally things would be better. I happen to agree with the man.

If you're interested in the revolution you can go see http://www.whywork.org which is cool, mostly about learning to live with less so you don't need to make as much money and giving inspiration to those who are trying to do more of what they love and less of the whole 9-5 in a soulless job thing. It also has some suggestions about jobs that offer you more control over your time, acknowledging that in this day and age it's pretty hard to just stop working altogether. 'Course, it mentions nothing about trying to raise a family on those kinds of salaries, which is pretty dumb of them.

But one of the best (not as extremist as the above website) is a british internet magazine www.anxietyculture.com
It's a magazine with a sense of humour that basically tries to tell you that we're way too anxious about shit that doesn't really matter (working in pointless jobs, crime, diseases etc). Though in one article on Stupid Pointless Jobs it does ask "has anyone's quality of life been improved by telemarketing?" and I have to say yes. My telemarketing job got me a good bit of cash, a 19 year old sex god, and to top it all off the guts to end a terrible relationship. All I have today I owe to telemarketing. But that's just been my experience. I'd still recommend this website to all, expecially North Americans getting pumped full of paranoia every day by the media.

Once everyone has had a chance to look at these webpages (I would advise everyone read the Bertrand Russell thing) I'll go into my opinions on work a little more. But to start it off, I don't think anyone who has a passion should be forced to give up that passion in order to work 8 hours a day at a high labour job in order to pay the rent. Hell, if you don't have passion it might be because you haven't had the leisure time to think about what you love. Whatever, more on that later.

My ex-boyfriend's brother just came by for a chat. So now that whole ex-family will know I have a boyfriend (if they didn't already). I love the ex-family quite dearly so I hope they're okay with my hiding it from them for so long. But it's kind of hard talking to the woman whose son you dumped and telling her how happy you are with someone else. Yeesh.

What else do I have in the old noggin' today? I figured out why I have so much trouble thinking deep thoughts when I have a job. It's because I need to have time to register what's going on in my life. I need to be able to step back for a few hours and think about what happened to me that day and how it impacts me. I like looking back at a day and trying to absorb the beauty and the lessons the world has given me that day. Sadly, I just haven't had the time to do that and it's making me quite the crabby bitch. It's crazy, I realize everyone gets by with 9-5 jobs and seems to be fine. But I really miss that time spent looking around. The same thing happened when I was working crazy hours in Prague and eventually I wasn't registering any beauty at all (even though there was plenty of it to be had. Always is) and I think that's part of why my heart gave out - it knew I needed to take the time to look around again. You should have seen me before the heart thing, I was such a bitch poor Adam had to deal with my biting and snapping like a not so cute turtle at everything he said. And once I got over the initial fear, I just started seeing how much I had been missing. My body helped my spirit out. It's not that working hard is bad, but it has to be doing something I love because then I can see loveliness everywhere I look as I'm filling my life with things that are pretty to me. Anyway, perhaps this is why I become such a crank when I have to work full time, but I'll try to get over it because it's really totally wimpy of me right now when I have a nice job for 2 weeks and then I head to pursue my passion. So say it with me everyone "SUCK IT UP TANIA!"

Other than that? Adam made me a super fabulous dinner and we went to the pool earlier today and looked at high school girls. Too bad you just can't get them to shut up (unless you try Adam's suggestion to just fill their mouthes with cock, but even then I think a couple of them would keep on gabbering).

On that note, have a nice weekend and hope you both give and receive fantastic oral sex.

Dedicated to all PICKLES, especially those who get upon my garden wall.
- Beattrix Potter's dedication in The Tale of Tom Kitten

Well, my Pickle is back in town and I'm quite glad. It's been a little strange as I'd gotten used to having my own space and now it's being infringed upon. Infringed upon by good things (like sex, thank the dear lord) but still infringed upon. I'm an only child, what can I say? I like to do things when I want to do them, and get what I want when I want it. But I'm getting back into the swing of the whole compromise thing again and I could never really be upset about spending time with my little boy. He bought me a little present - it's a book called "Up Shit Creek: A collection of horrifyingly true wilderness toilet misadventures." He knows me so well. There's some pretty good poo talk in this book, but it's still pretty damn tame. Although I can see Her Highness vomitting over a couple of the "misadventures."

He has also been fixing all things computery for me, but you'll all still have to wait until the weekend for my comments section.

My first week of full time work in Edmonton has been pretty great. It's a sweet job and the way the set up the program makes for very little planning - so I'm only planning 10-20 minutes a day for 2 three-hour classes per day. My students are very nice, gotta love the dedication and politeness of those slant eyed people. Much more industrious than those lazy, rude europeans I've been teaching for the last 2 years.

Sometimes I wish I could get one of those desk jobs everyone I know seems to have. You know, where you have some moments of inactivity where you surf the internet? I've never had that kind of job, I always get the kind where you have to be "on" all the time. Mind you, I'd die sitting in front of a desk for 8 hours and we all know I lack any and all skills required to deal with paperwork so I guess I'm pretty lucky that I haven't gotten one of those desk jobs.

I went to my first Edmonton belly dancing class tonight. Interesting. No one in this town has been belly dancing as long as Rena (my previous teacher) and she was just so amazing. It's hard for me to think of the dancer I would have become under her instruction, and the dancer I will become with these other teachers and not get a tad disappointed.. The woman tonight was really nice, and it was totally not the hoochie fest I thought it would be (how do I spell relief? actually I usually spell it F.A.R.T but tonight that seems to be Adam's thing. Man, what does that boy eat?) and she is quite experienced but I could do a couple of the moves better than she could and I noticed she was not happy about that. Oh well, what I can I say? I rock!

I've been a little distressed about how little creative stuff I've managed to get done this week. It's not like I'm working a ton of hours (only 30 + planning) but between dinner and going to Kung Fu and Delly Bancing I get home at 10 and then ...well I go to bed cuz I like my sleep (and more importantly, my heart likes its sleep). Man, how do you people with real jobs manage to get anything creative done? Well, I guess the key there is to have a job where you do creative things.

Okay, must go. Need sleep. But I don't have to teach tomorrow morning because Joy of Joys, I'm having the first meeting with my co-authors (co-authors, I am a co-author!) about the Children's Lit. Anthology. Super stoked. I mean, it just means finding out how to work the database we've created and spending hours in front of a screen doing research, but still it's a start. A beginning. I love beginnings.

"They've got a cave troll"

Just finished watching LOTR for the billionth time. I still can't prevent myself from crying when Sam runs into the water at the end.

On Friday night I went to a total dive to watch Duke play some classic rock. I loved it. It brought home to me how I'm just not a "cool" person. Listening to the band play Burning Ring of Fire and the small, poorly dressed (except for the waitress whose luscious breasts were heaving forth from her top), drunken crowd yelling at the lead singer to take off his clothes - I felt at home. Rockin' good times. Not that I don't have fun at regular clubs, but sometimes the pretension can be a little too much for me at the popular clubs.

Speaking of pretension, my Pickle comes back to me tomorrow! I can't wait. Even though I'm really tired right now I just can't sleep because I keep thinking about him getting here. Which kind of brings back the whole question I brought up earlier about couples losing their single selves within a relationship.

And yes, I realize the concept of "self" is a tricky one. The few long term relationships I've had have actually made me disagree with the whole Zen idea that there is no self - not that I could argue this point well enough. Okay, let me rephrase, I think the concept of self is important to having a healthy relationship with a partner. Maybe the self is actually our connection to the universe or whatever, but that's a little too intangible for most people. The idea of the self is good because it is only in recognizing that we have a "self" that we can become conscious of having lost it. And whatever you want the "self" to mean, it's not good to lose it. Man, I'm sure anyone studying zen could kick my ass about this, but it's my blog so bite me.

I can't help but agree with Miss K. Lo's earlier statement that being with the one you love is simply the best way to spend your downtime. And I think in a healthy relationship, that's what spending time as a couple is all about. Miss K. Lo goes out and parties with the best of them when given a night off, so I don't think she's got anything to worry about. I feel sorry for those of you who haven't seen this girl get her groove on, actually. However, I've been given a few quotes from books about this, and I think they're worth contemplating. Even though I have a healthy relationship (and all the couples I know have healthy relationships! WooHoo! First time that's ever happened) and I do have a pretty firm grasp on my"self", I think it still behooves me to look at potential pitfalls...and since I'm looking at them, guess what??? Yep, you all have to look at them too.

"Unconscious cultural assumption: couples must be as one person with two heads; nothing is to be done without the approval of both parties; couples must present a common "front" to the world, lest it appear that something is "wrong". Result: facets of self not in common with partner wither and die; both become half-people with little but the other to invigorate them; both wonder what happened to the person they fell in love with... (Open Marriage, by George and Nena O'Neill)"

Well, since I don't really like doing what society expects of me, I don't think this really relates to me. I guess there are still a lot of people who care how the rest of society sees them. They must care so much that they'll lose their real selves in order to create a more convincing false image of themselves. Though I have gotten the "what happened to the girl I fell in love with" I agree with Kanga when she says this usually happens when the individuals change (and all people change, it's necessary) and the relationship doesn't change with them. This is one of the most difficult parts of long term relationships, because hopefully you grow and learn all your life and so your opinions and goals and outlook on life change, but sometimes the relationship doesn't grow in the same way and it's hard to tie the two together again. Maybe some people don't go out because they fear this change and they fear that it will end the relationship?

The whole diatribe about co-dependency: both partners depend on the other as the source of their vitality, resulting in eventually neither of them having any. (The Road Less Travelled, by M. Scott Peck)

Someone who isn't a whole person, who isn't conscious of their relationship to the universe, who isn't secure in their connection to the infinite source of energy must rely on other people as their source of energy. Thus they will wander around like a "C" (a half-circle) looking for another "C" to Complete them (form an "O"). They will fall in love and it will be beautiful, but eventually, because there is no external source of energy, it will become stagnant and the couple will start to compete (bicker, play subtle mind games) over control of the ever-dimishing pool of energy (cf. American foreign policy). They will break up, and go looking for another "C" to get back that loving feeling. Someone who's figured out how to be a whole "O" on their own can share their life with another "O" without having to depend on the other for energy, and so there's no need to manipulate, control, or otherwise limit that person to secure a source of vitality. The relationship with the partner without is an expression of the relationship with the divine within. (The much-maligned Celestine Prophecy, by James Redfield)

Much maligned or not, this makes sense to me. Learning that you are complete on your own is hard to do. A long process. Hopefully we know we're "O"s and the person we choose will encourage us to realize we are "O"s and only be useful in developing that individual "O"ness. But sometimes we choose a person in order to make us "O"s, because we don't think we can be one on our own. It's difficult to tell the difference about which choice we've made until...well until we dump the person and realize how unwhole we feel and how dependent we had become. Or when we dump them and realize how whole we feel without them, and figure out that we'd actually been feeling like "C"s for the last 5 and a half years... oops, was that too obvious a reference to my own past? Oh well.

And if you're wondering why I'm writing so much, it's because I know that once the job starts, my blogs will get a lot shorter and infinitly more boring. I'll just be complaining about students and my non airconditioned classroom.

With the Celestine Prophecy quote above I've decided the rest of the blog will be dedicated to getting your second wind while jobless. I've been jobless for an awful lot of my life, so I think I have some insight here. Joblessness can get you into funks. Highness is in one of those funks right now. Work is the way most people spend their days. We connect with society mostly through our work environment (coworkers, clients, dude at cafe who gives you your lunch, complaining with friends after hours) and when we don't work, it can be hard to feel like a part of the human community. We aren't producing anything that people pay us for, we aren't being productive. It feels a little isolating to say the least.

But I think time spent jobless is a great time to figure out how to connect with humanity on a level outside of the work sphere, to figure out how to feel productive in different ways. To see that we are all connected to the universe, not through our jobs, but through ourselves. Hopefully your individual quirks that you have to offer will be part of your jobs, but they exist and are valuable outside the job too! Figure out what those things are, do them, find a way to connect with the world around you without getting paid for it and I guarantee you'll get your second wind. How can you not be productive when you're reaching out to the universe?

Well, blog has made me sleepy. Tomorrow there will be much rejoicing,cuddling,talking,sex,sex,sex,eating,reading,moviewatching as us two "O"s cut ourselves off from society completely. What can I say? Sometimes it's a good thing.

Hello world! I've only got a few minutes for blog contemplation today but it's one glorious day.

Oh the Fu, how I love the Fu. I'd almost forgotten how joyous it is to spend 2 hours sweating your ass off and joking around with Fu-minded people. Some maybe be asking what it "fu minded" is, but it's tough to explain. Guys talking about different techniques and not being able to stop practicing moves even if they're just talking about clothes. A generous atmosphere of learning and teaching, where everyone realizes that each person has something to teach and something to learn. And lets not forget the sweaty toned men. Yes, we can't forget that.

God I need to get laid.

But the class was lovely, and even though it's cheaper to go to the Wing Chun at the Uni once summer is over, I may see if I can swing these classes simply because the classes are so small and it's a great group. I even got a ride home, right to my door last night from one of the students (I think the boy was flirting with me, but I was slightly delirious from all the cardio, so I could be wrong). And even though the style is not really popular, the few moves I learned felt more natural to me than the Wing Chun. And that's quite important because you shouldn't fight your instincts and if a style doesn't feel natural then it's really hard to use it outside of class. We shall see how I do in the next month. The classes at Uni are pretty huge - but they're 1/2 the price.

However, my financial situation is looking up as they had a TEFL teacher leave for 2 weeks vacation and so I get full time hours starting Monday. So woohoo! I will have a little bit of money coming in. Of course, I start the day after Adam gets back and then I finish during Fringe, which is when he'll be busy taking photos so as per usual, we will spend no time together.

Sometimes I think he plans it this way.... him and his connections with the universe. Kanga too! Where do I get these connections?? Or are short people just not good enough? Is that it? As Veronica Lodge would say "Hmph!"

And just a last comment. Despite the glorious day behind and ahead of me, I have a gripe. Honey whole wheat. Okay, if you're eating whole wheat to be healthy, or if you're eating it because eating white bread kills you (hypoglycemics and diabetics) the reason it's healthy is because it's a complex carbohydrate. It's a whole grain and therefore makes the body work harder to convert it into sugar. Simple carbohydrates (sugar, non whole grains) don't take any effort and just turn straight into sugar. So basically whole grains take more energy to convert and therefore don't add the pounds to your waist line and they give you more lasting energy, rather than a big spike followed by a come down (like loads of sugar gives you). Now when you put honey in the whole wheat you are defeating the purpose of eating the damn whole grain!!!! Honey is processed by the body in exactly the same way sugar is! But what do I see in all the bread aisles??? Honey whole wheat bagels, buns, loaves - you name it! Ach du lieber! Oh it pisses me off no end and I'm thinking about starting a petition.

Okay, that's me for the day. Love you all. Must run to U of A now.

Wish me luck tomorrow when I most likely won't be able to move from Kung Fu. Hopefully I'll be able to pull myself to the bathroom.