As much as I don't like put negative stuff into the atmosphere, I feel the need to write my thoughts this morning.
I woke up crying today. Not a great start for the eternal optimist. It's not something that happens to me often. My reason: forced isolation.
Edmonton is a really friendly place and everywhere I go there are many people who will strike up a conversation. However, sitting at home there is almost no one I can call if I want to hang out in a group. And though I love Kanga, one woman (even one so great as she) cannot really be a substitute for 10-15 people.
Last night Adam went to go see Medea (a play at the fringe that I saw the night before) and he met some people who do sketch comedy (which is his passion) in the line and ended up staying out till 7 in the morning with them. I was really happy for him, but also felt totally alone. I mean, I've been standing in line ups chatting with people all week, not to mention chatting with people on busses, in cafes etc for the last month and a half and the only opportunity I've had to go out with any of these random strangers was to go to church with the "screw guy" at that bus stop.
This led me to blame others. And to make some observations about women going out alone. I believe there is a difference between the societal views of a woman who goes out alone and of a man who does the same. We all know the obvious: guy goes to club alone = no big deal (depending on his age of course) and girl goes to club alone=big deal. But it seems to have spread from the nightclubs. Cafes are pretty safe, lots of people alone there but the last 2 times I've gone to read at one I have been surrounded by single men and only groups of women. The reason I noticed was that the single men on both occasions were pretty damn cute. And standing in these line-ups I've come to notice that there are many women going alone but all of them are 10 to 15 years older than me. All the younger girls are grouped and paired. Not a single, single younger girl out there.
What's going on here?
Now, the line-ups have also led me to notice some strange reactions in people. The first is that my queue companions always ask "who are you waiting for?" rather than "are you waiting for someone?" This includes the older single women. And the weirdest was the reaction I got upon seeing some jugglers that Adam and I had met at a previous show. I went alone to this show and saw them walking out and went to say hi and we were walking home together and the girl said "where's the guy...Adam? you were with last night?" and I said "at another show I think, I don't really know" and they all gave eachother a look.
Can someone tell me what this look means? Maybe, like so many others, they think Adam is gay and I'm just his unsuspecting cover. A theory which seems ludicrous but is really no more so than that they think it's odd that I have a boyfriend yet I still go out alone.
Anyway, I started thinking that perhaps it's not so easy for women alone to hook up with people because people see them as oddities. Or as if there must be a reason for their being alone. This is totally unfair, but has some foundation of truth methinks. I don't think this is because of any perception of females being weaker, I think it just has to do with the fact that most of the time women are in groups and so when you see one alone, it's different. And we all know how terrible different is.
But I also can't deny that in Edmonton, it's not so much that I go out alone because I want to, but because I have to. There's no one else. And maybe that's rubbing off on me. Maybe people can see my isolation, written across my chest where my breasts should be so that my warm and inviting breasts are blocked from view thereby making me so much less likeable. I mean, lets face it I'm putting these babies out there this summer and no one with girls as nice as mine should really be having this much trouble finding a group to go out with. Although perhaps they're thinking "she's got killer tits and she's still alone??? Hooboy, I'd hate to see whatever she's got growing on that vagina but it must be pretty bad"
I don't mean to complain. I know that in Kung Fu I was making friends. But I had to stop going because I was only going for the free lessons and I would never have gone after that. I was using them and not showing any loyalty to the art or the Sifu and that's just not the Fu way. The university classes are so much closer and cheaper and I'll make friends there too I'm sure. And there are two nice girls in belly dancing and the new belly dancing classes start in Sept. Plus school in Sept too. But I'm alone now and now is where I'm at so I'm kinda sad.
And if you're wondering about friends at work some of the girls are pretty nice, but most of them are...well snooty. There I said it. I judged them. But some of the snooty girls are leaving and I promise to make more of an effort to go out with the non-snooty ones.
However in about 20 minutes I'll be headed to yet another line up for yet another show and I'll attempt to wipe the chest clean so all there is is boobies. No bra today babies, no bra.
I woke up crying today. Not a great start for the eternal optimist. It's not something that happens to me often. My reason: forced isolation.
Edmonton is a really friendly place and everywhere I go there are many people who will strike up a conversation. However, sitting at home there is almost no one I can call if I want to hang out in a group. And though I love Kanga, one woman (even one so great as she) cannot really be a substitute for 10-15 people.
Last night Adam went to go see Medea (a play at the fringe that I saw the night before) and he met some people who do sketch comedy (which is his passion) in the line and ended up staying out till 7 in the morning with them. I was really happy for him, but also felt totally alone. I mean, I've been standing in line ups chatting with people all week, not to mention chatting with people on busses, in cafes etc for the last month and a half and the only opportunity I've had to go out with any of these random strangers was to go to church with the "screw guy" at that bus stop.
This led me to blame others. And to make some observations about women going out alone. I believe there is a difference between the societal views of a woman who goes out alone and of a man who does the same. We all know the obvious: guy goes to club alone = no big deal (depending on his age of course) and girl goes to club alone=big deal. But it seems to have spread from the nightclubs. Cafes are pretty safe, lots of people alone there but the last 2 times I've gone to read at one I have been surrounded by single men and only groups of women. The reason I noticed was that the single men on both occasions were pretty damn cute. And standing in these line-ups I've come to notice that there are many women going alone but all of them are 10 to 15 years older than me. All the younger girls are grouped and paired. Not a single, single younger girl out there.
What's going on here?
Now, the line-ups have also led me to notice some strange reactions in people. The first is that my queue companions always ask "who are you waiting for?" rather than "are you waiting for someone?" This includes the older single women. And the weirdest was the reaction I got upon seeing some jugglers that Adam and I had met at a previous show. I went alone to this show and saw them walking out and went to say hi and we were walking home together and the girl said "where's the guy...Adam? you were with last night?" and I said "at another show I think, I don't really know" and they all gave eachother a look.
Can someone tell me what this look means? Maybe, like so many others, they think Adam is gay and I'm just his unsuspecting cover. A theory which seems ludicrous but is really no more so than that they think it's odd that I have a boyfriend yet I still go out alone.
Anyway, I started thinking that perhaps it's not so easy for women alone to hook up with people because people see them as oddities. Or as if there must be a reason for their being alone. This is totally unfair, but has some foundation of truth methinks. I don't think this is because of any perception of females being weaker, I think it just has to do with the fact that most of the time women are in groups and so when you see one alone, it's different. And we all know how terrible different is.
But I also can't deny that in Edmonton, it's not so much that I go out alone because I want to, but because I have to. There's no one else. And maybe that's rubbing off on me. Maybe people can see my isolation, written across my chest where my breasts should be so that my warm and inviting breasts are blocked from view thereby making me so much less likeable. I mean, lets face it I'm putting these babies out there this summer and no one with girls as nice as mine should really be having this much trouble finding a group to go out with. Although perhaps they're thinking "she's got killer tits and she's still alone??? Hooboy, I'd hate to see whatever she's got growing on that vagina but it must be pretty bad"
I don't mean to complain. I know that in Kung Fu I was making friends. But I had to stop going because I was only going for the free lessons and I would never have gone after that. I was using them and not showing any loyalty to the art or the Sifu and that's just not the Fu way. The university classes are so much closer and cheaper and I'll make friends there too I'm sure. And there are two nice girls in belly dancing and the new belly dancing classes start in Sept. Plus school in Sept too. But I'm alone now and now is where I'm at so I'm kinda sad.
And if you're wondering about friends at work some of the girls are pretty nice, but most of them are...well snooty. There I said it. I judged them. But some of the snooty girls are leaving and I promise to make more of an effort to go out with the non-snooty ones.
However in about 20 minutes I'll be headed to yet another line up for yet another show and I'll attempt to wipe the chest clean so all there is is boobies. No bra today babies, no bra.
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