12.30.2006

Destinations are few and far between in my life.

Hmm...that's not exactly right. It just sounded all romantic.

I have no real destination in mind, no goal to work for, no finish line to race for. Certain winds attract me and I let them take me to beautiful places, but I don't ever think "I need to get to this place, I will find a way to get there." I'm not a particularly motivated person. What's the point when before I arrive anywhere, another cheeky wind lures me off and I'm flying off elsewhere? I'm not a premeditated destinator. . Despite how free this all sounds, flying around like some pervy Mary Poppins by the seat of my umbrella, it actually makes me a person who lets destiny take me places, rather than free will. It feels weird to say that, but it's the truth of what I've just written, despite my fairly free will "people can do anything they want to" beliefs. Hmm, so fantasy girl believes in destiny? No huge surprise there I guess.

But I suppose, whatever the lead-up, I do arrive places and so they are destinations.

Since I have no destination in mind, there is only one thing I can analyse: Where am I right now? What destination have I arrived at? I'm sitting at Richard's apartment taking care of one of the many kitty charges I was given this xmas, still slightly stoned from the night before. I'm anxious about the move I have almost completed, going to live communally for the first time in many years. The curmudgeony cat lady I've become is worried about it, worried about living with roomies and having my alone time taken away from me. I am a day dreamer. I am a bookseller. I am a semi-professional belly dancer. I live in a pretty ugly city that has some very beautiful people in it. I always try to make the best of any social situation. I am not a particularly good friend, but I care and love and can usually make people laugh. I have sadly rebuilt walls I had previously taken down. I still have a surprisingly dark dark-side. I really like breasts. I'm whingy. I'm self-absorbed. I'm a lot more powerful than I ever thought I was. I'm a geek. I'm a wee yin, a roo, a sausage, a spicwop, a little buddha, a tanians, and a pervert who is small only in stature.

But I suppose the biggest destination I have arrived at recently is being part of a family. I have been ensconsed in not one, not two, but three families in this city I have come to call home. I'm not exactly sure where I fit into families as I don't have a lot of experience being in them, but no one seems particularly concerned about that, so I'll just do what I do best and go with it.

And according to my t4, I'm still poor. And I guess, if anything, a girl with no goals in mind who keeps floating away from things as soon as she gets good at them will always be poor. Poverty is my destiny, but I'm finding it's not as bad as I thought it would be.

Where I'm sitting is good right now, but the winds that carried me this year were crueler than usual, winds can be tricksy things sometimes. There were good winds this year, but as Rilo Kiley says "but the lows are so extreme, that the good seems fucking cheap, and it teases me for weeks in its absence" May the stinky winds that carried me in 2006 rot in the farthest corner of hell, never to resurface again. And may the winds of 2007 be at least slightly kinder to me and to all of you out there.

Sunday Scribblings

6 Comments:

Blogger AnnieElf said...

Sad. I hope 2007 is happier for you and give you the desire to take control of your destiny.

12:06 PM  
Blogger tania said...

thank you for your warm words stranger :)

oddly, though i've had a crappy year, i don't consider the fact that I fly by the seat of my pants and where the wind takes me to be...well it's not apathy on my part, it's just i find it more fun to live life that way.

but looking back on the post, it does sound a wee bit depressing - hmmm...interesting.

2:12 PM  
Blogger Inconsequential said...

sounds like a spot of fun has been had :)

didn't read as a depressing post, kinda thought it uplifting...

3:02 PM  
Blogger AnnieElf said...

A crappy year?? Then absolutely, I'm wishing you nothing but the BEST in this coming 2007. I know a fair bit about crappy and I'm looking forward to 2007 as a much better year. Many blessings to you. Annie

7:42 PM  
Blogger desert rat said...

Nicely written, that middle bit almost flowed like a poem, or a song.

I've been known to go where winds and waters take me too, to the point where sometimes it annoys me and I just want to sink my feet in and stay put for awhile.

May the new year's winds take you all sorts of excellent places, and blow more sweet than sour.

8:53 PM  
Blogger blackdaisies said...

the winds will definitely blow warmer and kinder this year for all of us sweet roo ...

i can feel it deep inside ... and you know that i was super happy to kick 2006 to the curb though looking back, i think that it has taught me more than any of the previous years ...

2:01 PM  

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