Today's post might get a little personal - why I feel I need to warn people about this in a blog called small perversions, I don't know.

I like experimenting with levels of consciousness. I really like it. I got into this through lucid dreaming. I got into lucid dreaming because of Northern Exposure, the episode where John Corbett's character Chris (one of the hotter characters ever created for TV) goes on about it. I had had many dreams where I knew I was dreaming and started to control the dream, but never realized that this was a state I could get to on purpose. I've never read any of the books on it, but did some research and found certain techniques that worked for me. I discovered I have a real facility for it.

It's such an interesting thing because when you "awaken" in your dream, your conscious mind can direct where the dream goes, what happens, but the images that pop up are still flowing from the sub/unconscious. And you can experiment letting the conscious have more control, or letting the subconscious guide the ride while your conscious is just aware that you're dreaming and going "huh, so this is what's going on in the recesses of my brain." It's probably useful as hell in analyzing yourself and your issues, but mostly I just use it to play and to experiment with levels of awareness and consciousness.

I stopped consciously trying to have lucid dreams awhile back because this freaky thing happened. I thought I had woken up, and was going about my day but then certain triggers made me realize I was still dreaming, so I just said "okay, it's time to wake up for real now" and I can usually wake myself up from a dream when I'm lucid dreaming. The usual happened where I got this image of being sucked through blackness into "awake" (I think this visual comes from the Matrix movies), and I woke up again, but then again realized I was dreaming. This kept happening over and over again and I could not wake up for real. There was a point when I was just stuck in the black sucking phase and couldn't get out of that weird in-between state. When you're conscious brain is in control of the dream and yet the subconscious still won't let you wake up - well let's just say it scared the shit out of me.

So for a long while I still occasionally had lucid dreams, but I wasn't trying to have them. It also occured to me that if the shrinks are right and that your subconscious brain has time to process things when you're dreaming, and your conscious brain suddenly takes everything over, your subconscious has no time to freely play and process. Probably not a good thing.

But I started up again recently. Just once a week or so, and as per usual with the small pervert, I don't choose to fly or go off to exotic locals, I play around with sex. But honestly it's because it's so interesting in terms of brain control (okay, well that's part of the reason). It's also because it's so freeing to have sex in dreams, you can just do whatever you want. The best sex between two people is when both partners are enjoying things and paying attention to eachother, but sometimes all that consideration of the other person can be a little bit constraining. You can completely liberate your selfish id in the dreams.

But the big news is that I have done what I had previously thought impossible: I sent a command to my "real" body in my dream state and my body obeyed. My complaint in sexual lucid dreams was that my big O was actually always a little O because there was no actual physical stimulation. The O's were coming from my brain, and sadly my brain can apparently turn me on to ridiculous extents, but it can't fully make up for physical contactwhen it comes to the main event. I've been trying for ages to be aware enough during my sexual dream state to get my hand to...few seconds while roo decides how graphic to get...rub my clit in real life. Usually I can't do it, or I just wake up trying. Now I got close a few days ago and managed to convince my brain that my hand was rubbing my clit, even though it wasn't, and so I had a better orgasm during the dream. But yesterday I did it, I had this incredible dream (which involved Pixie actually) and was controlling stuff and had a very large O and woke up to find my fingers where I told them to go and proof of my success dripping from them.

EUREKA!

Now of course, after that success I couldn't wait to try it again. So this morning, I was dreaming about...stuff, and I decided I actually wanted this to happen in real life so I made myself wake up and started to have fun. But I was still so groggy that I just kept shifting between awake and dreaming, so I let that happen. Actually passing into dream state and back into awake land, and the visuals getting more or less vivid depending on which state I was in. And my hand didn't stop in either state. And it was kind of funny because I kept passing into dream state with this weird dizzying circular image going on and I realized only later that the image was probably just a continuation of the little circles of my fingers. Mind and body concentrating on one thing. It's just cool.

Anyway, this is much more information than most of you need about my masturbatory life, probably should have waited until May (the official masturbation month). But I needed to tell someone of my success, since I don't seem to be succeeding at getting the thesis done, I need to celebrate the little things.