I've been trying to decide which of two subjects to blog about today as god knows I'm too long winded to do a two-in-one blog without writing a novel. Okay, I'll review books tomorrow (YA fantasy must-reads for the fall season). This is a really long one people.
Kids, children, runts, ragamuffins, the decision to have them keeps popping up in conversations I'm having these days. Now I'm aware that I'm probably going to offend people because as soon as anyone speaks their mind they're going to offend people who are not of their mind, but I shall keep this as inoffensive as possible as I'm really just trying to figure shit out about this myself.
Why does this keeps coming up? my age? or perhaps the fact that my best friend owns a pug and I just found out she dresses him in a red silk kimono (his name is Mr. Myagi) and the issue of childlessness just popped into my head :)
The Bridget Jones division of singles vs marrieds is starting to get more pronounced as I get older. But it's not just that, it's a division between women who want kids and those who don't as well. I don't really want this division to be there, but it is. And hey, the decision of whether or not to have kids is a symbol of your priorities and it's going to create a division between those who have chosen a different set of priorities. Let's just try and keep this a peaceable division and not like the Mex/US border. The right to choose our priorities is wonderful and I respect whatever anyone chooses.
I have never wanted kids. And that would be such an easy blanket statement if there weren't some weird little nuances to it. I like kids, and my comfort levels around them have increased largely after having worked in the kids books section for awhile, but to have my own gives me the wiggins. But weirdly I have told every guy I've been with at the very beginning that if I get pregnant, I don't expect him to do anything about it, but I'm keeping the baby. This is because, though I am 100% pro choice, I know that having an abortion is just not for me. Perhaps I've always had some sort Morag and Pique fantasy (The Diviners) about raising a child on my own, who knows? I have completely and utterly supported my friends who have had abortions though, this feeling of mine for myself and because of my beliefs which I wouldn't dare impose on anyone else for this kind of decision.
So mentally, I have prepared myself that a child might pop into my future, either by accident or because I'm a changeable girl and might want one eventually. But you see, all evidence to the contrary I'm pretty self-aware, and I know that I have trouble consistently giving priority to anything other than myself and my own peace of mind. Perhaps it's my ethnic background, but I consider having kids to be the most important thing you can do and to do it half-assed is just...offensive. Especially having worked in a retail environment with children and their parents, I hate bad parents - qualify bad with neglectful. We all fuck up our kids to some degree, but I would never want to be the kind of parent who doesn't take parenting as the most important part of their lives. And to take the responsibility of having a child seriously is to put their well-being above your own pretty much 24/7.
Holy crap! I can't do that!
Having to take my partners into consideration when making a decision pisses me off enough, I can't imagine the added intrusion (for lack of a better word) of a child into that mix as well.
But there is more to this kid thing than just wanting or not wanting.
Say some guy actually convinces me that having kids is an okay idea. That my life should be completely turned inside out and changed forever. I would want to adopt. I'm going to compare this to a pet thing, because they are the closest thing I've had to children. I would never get an animal from a pet store or a breeder because there are already enough unwanted pets at the SPCA that need a home. Now the desire to have your own kid is far different from the pretty selfish desire to want an animal but only if it's pure-bred (The whole domestic animal pisses me off not only because of the pure-bred thing. As humans we are selfish enough to over-populate with our species and then city planners don't try and encroach as little as possible into the world, but instead create urban sprawl like the sick-ass south end of the city in which I live. We are also selfish enough to not take responsibility for our animals and their breeding, and so there are all these unwanted baby animals being born and then we contribute to that buy not buying from the SPCA/other humane societies - sorry, I'll stop now)
The desire for a child that comes from your body is not a selfish one, it is the most life-altering experience you can have and I don't find it strange at all that people would want this. The experience is, to pull out a 70's term, heavy. But, for some reason, it's not a desire I have, so why not try and take on one of the unwanted children in the world? I have no problems thinking of something that didn't come from my body as mine. Maybe it's partly being first generation Canadian, I don't have much actual family here so I had to create my own and so it feels only right that I continue in this "not-genetically related but still my family" vein. It's very easy for me to start thinking of something I care about as mine, as being part of me.
However, if adoption is really something I decide to want, it's something I should decide soon because man is that ever a long and arduous process. Plus, as if they would give a kid to a girl who has to eat rice and lentils for months on end because she can't afford to pay rent?
So really, don't want to have a kid and no organization in the world would give me a kid, so problem solved and I really didn't have to do all this writing about it. Life is so simple sometimes.
Kids, children, runts, ragamuffins, the decision to have them keeps popping up in conversations I'm having these days. Now I'm aware that I'm probably going to offend people because as soon as anyone speaks their mind they're going to offend people who are not of their mind, but I shall keep this as inoffensive as possible as I'm really just trying to figure shit out about this myself.
Why does this keeps coming up? my age? or perhaps the fact that my best friend owns a pug and I just found out she dresses him in a red silk kimono (his name is Mr. Myagi) and the issue of childlessness just popped into my head :)
The Bridget Jones division of singles vs marrieds is starting to get more pronounced as I get older. But it's not just that, it's a division between women who want kids and those who don't as well. I don't really want this division to be there, but it is. And hey, the decision of whether or not to have kids is a symbol of your priorities and it's going to create a division between those who have chosen a different set of priorities. Let's just try and keep this a peaceable division and not like the Mex/US border. The right to choose our priorities is wonderful and I respect whatever anyone chooses.
I have never wanted kids. And that would be such an easy blanket statement if there weren't some weird little nuances to it. I like kids, and my comfort levels around them have increased largely after having worked in the kids books section for awhile, but to have my own gives me the wiggins. But weirdly I have told every guy I've been with at the very beginning that if I get pregnant, I don't expect him to do anything about it, but I'm keeping the baby. This is because, though I am 100% pro choice, I know that having an abortion is just not for me. Perhaps I've always had some sort Morag and Pique fantasy (The Diviners) about raising a child on my own, who knows? I have completely and utterly supported my friends who have had abortions though, this feeling of mine for myself and because of my beliefs which I wouldn't dare impose on anyone else for this kind of decision.
So mentally, I have prepared myself that a child might pop into my future, either by accident or because I'm a changeable girl and might want one eventually. But you see, all evidence to the contrary I'm pretty self-aware, and I know that I have trouble consistently giving priority to anything other than myself and my own peace of mind. Perhaps it's my ethnic background, but I consider having kids to be the most important thing you can do and to do it half-assed is just...offensive. Especially having worked in a retail environment with children and their parents, I hate bad parents - qualify bad with neglectful. We all fuck up our kids to some degree, but I would never want to be the kind of parent who doesn't take parenting as the most important part of their lives. And to take the responsibility of having a child seriously is to put their well-being above your own pretty much 24/7.
Holy crap! I can't do that!
Having to take my partners into consideration when making a decision pisses me off enough, I can't imagine the added intrusion (for lack of a better word) of a child into that mix as well.
But there is more to this kid thing than just wanting or not wanting.
Say some guy actually convinces me that having kids is an okay idea. That my life should be completely turned inside out and changed forever. I would want to adopt. I'm going to compare this to a pet thing, because they are the closest thing I've had to children. I would never get an animal from a pet store or a breeder because there are already enough unwanted pets at the SPCA that need a home. Now the desire to have your own kid is far different from the pretty selfish desire to want an animal but only if it's pure-bred (The whole domestic animal pisses me off not only because of the pure-bred thing. As humans we are selfish enough to over-populate with our species and then city planners don't try and encroach as little as possible into the world, but instead create urban sprawl like the sick-ass south end of the city in which I live. We are also selfish enough to not take responsibility for our animals and their breeding, and so there are all these unwanted baby animals being born and then we contribute to that buy not buying from the SPCA/other humane societies - sorry, I'll stop now)
The desire for a child that comes from your body is not a selfish one, it is the most life-altering experience you can have and I don't find it strange at all that people would want this. The experience is, to pull out a 70's term, heavy. But, for some reason, it's not a desire I have, so why not try and take on one of the unwanted children in the world? I have no problems thinking of something that didn't come from my body as mine. Maybe it's partly being first generation Canadian, I don't have much actual family here so I had to create my own and so it feels only right that I continue in this "not-genetically related but still my family" vein. It's very easy for me to start thinking of something I care about as mine, as being part of me.
However, if adoption is really something I decide to want, it's something I should decide soon because man is that ever a long and arduous process. Plus, as if they would give a kid to a girl who has to eat rice and lentils for months on end because she can't afford to pay rent?
So really, don't want to have a kid and no organization in the world would give me a kid, so problem solved and I really didn't have to do all this writing about it. Life is so simple sometimes.
3 Comments:
Nothing terrifies me more than the idea of being pregnant and most of the time, I really don't like kids, so I hear you.
Do what you want to do and ignore all those who want to make your choices for you. Which is what you'll do anyway... cause you're awesome that way.
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Tania
I have to say I loved this post. I think we are of the same mind on this one. and I think you will understand what I mean by that. I just thought it was great.
As I do have a life altering child in my life. I can say that for me - who is not able to be a part-time parent - it is a 24/7 job times 3.
Julie
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