"talking of which, i have got the most bizarre porn film ever. look it out if you can, i recommend it. its called 'in the days of whore' and features a leper losing his cock while shagging. i got it for the vikings so the lepers were a bit of a bonus."

And that last sentence is why Marie is one of the people I love most in the world. Her email to me this morning had me spitting tea at the screen I was laughing so hard.

Okay, on to something other than pornography. Actually, maybe it has to do with porn. You see, as may have become apparent to you, I'm addicted to fanfic porn. I remember articles coming out in the GlobeandMail about men becoming internet porn addicts, how they were treating it as an addiction that you needed to seek help for. They never talked about women becoming addicted to it. Which is weird given the whole "spander is crack" idea that's out there. Not that I only read these stories for the erotic elements, a lot of it is just good storyline.

But I digress, my point was that I've been disassociating from the world for a long while now. The porn addiction, the buffy obsession, even the dancing sometimes, it's all just to get out of my head and not be part of the world for awhile. Though the dancing has the opposite effect most days, makes me feel concrete, puts me in the moment. I haven't even been able to read non-fiction for a year now because it would cause me to be affected by something in the world, to start thinking about things, actually live in the world as it is.

My way of dealing has always been to disassociate for awhile, to daydream my life away for an hour a day or so. But I think I just daydreamed a whole two years away. Funnily enough, I've been busier in the world than most people even with all Calgon moments. Imagine what I could accomplish if I were associating. Not that I'll ever be productive efficiency girl, as the daily daydreaming is necessary for me, but perhaps I could stop letting people and myself down and avoiding all forms of responsibility.

I started this email with the quote from Marie because it was funny, but also because she's one of those people who never runs away from the world. She faces it head on, the pleasurable parts and shitty parts both. She's very inspirational to me that way. I could rave about many of her attributes here, but it would just take pages so I'll leave it at that for now.

I take it as a good sign that I started blogging again, have come up with some plans for the next few months, have gotten in touch with the Uni about finishing the MA, and I'm starting to read non-fiction again. Started At Home in The World by Jennifer Welsh and it's been fantastic. There have been many books about Canada and its role in the world today, but to my critical eye (hey, higher academia did teach me something!) they all seemed very surfacey and not well researched. Not finished the book yet, but so far, very impressed.

And hey, look at me relating to the world again.